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Michael Gove proclaims himself Baronet of Birmingham



Michael Gove is riding to the rescue of the bankrupt Birmingham City Council, arriving in the city centre on a magnificent white stallion. He then attempted a stirring speech, but most of it was muffled by his ornate suit of medieval armour.


Gove apparently said 'Only more than a decade of savage Tory cuts to local government necessitates these kind of interventions, so... you're welcome. Anyway, I, Michael Gove, being of sound mind, despite being banned from several nightclubs in Aberdeen, am the Duke of Dudley, the Earl of Edgbaston and the Sultan of Solihull. I am Ozzy Osbourne and Tommy Shelby, staying at the Crossroads Motel.'


Gove is said to have 'responded positively' to the idea of riding his white horse through the streets of neighbouring Coventry, adding 'naked, I hope?' before winking at aides.

Lee Anderson broke 30p spending limit, refused to attend spending awareness course




Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party, Lee Anderson, has expressed regret at exceeding the national spending limit of 30p in built-up areas.


The government department for Getting Senior Ministers Off, now the largest sector of the Civil Service, said, 'Mr Anderson should have known better, as it was he who imposed the 30p spending limit himself. He approached us about attending a specially organised one-to-one spending awareness course, but we were already overstretched getting the former Attorney General Suella Braverman off all the laws she has been breaking.'


Rishi Sunak has denied that he knew about Lee Anderson's transgression which took place last summer. He also denied keeping that nugget in his top pocket until such time as 30p Lee might undermine his position in an attempt to become Prime Minister himself, to then use it as a shot across his bows, or even as the reason to sack him from his senior position in that special way which can only be referred to as a resignation.


In an unrelated fiasco, Suella Braverman has claimed that she already knew everything there is to know about speed after a night out with Michael Gove.




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