Mortgages added to give curriculum a fantasy setting

Ministers are recommending that students now study things they will never have, like jobs, affordable health care and the abstract concept of hope. Originally mortgage management was to be part of the maths curriculum, but it now sits in English Literature alongside other works of fiction.

For those who are more serious about mortgages there is an extra history module, where owning your own house is traced back to the fall of the Roman Empire. There will also be courses to learn how to spot AI, delivered by AI and where every piece of work submitted will be by an AI.

Those graduating will be qualified to rent a property of their own choice, provided it is one room for £2000 p/m. They will then have the option to study a PhD in "how I'm paying my landlord's mortgage, while I eat gruel".

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Mortgage holders urged to drink 150 pints of beer per day to break even

Disappointing children’s action figure Rishi Sunak has urged homeowners to work harder on their drinking in order to overcome rising mortgages.

‘Look, I realise most people are paying an extra £500 per month, and that’s apparently challenging for many of you’, he told reporters. ‘That’s why we’ve reduced the price of a pint of beer by 11p. A mere 151 pints a day is the break-even point. Obviously it would be better if you just bought the house outright, but if you will insist on using a mortgage you can now offset some or all of the additional expense with cheap beer’.

Critics have pointed out that beer duty hasn’t fallen, it’s stayed the same – in pubs – while rising 10.1% on cans and bottles from off-licences.

‘Ah’, said Sunak, ‘I’m glad you spotted that. Inflation means that a price freeze is the same as a price cut. Glad we cleared that up. I want to get people back into pubs – don’t ask me why, I assume Infosys has just bought a few thousand – so I’m making them more competitive’.

If the beer thing proves popular with voters Sunak has promised to take a look at bread and circuses.

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