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Spilling the 't' - Tories confront the real mortgage crisis


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With inflation higher than Michael Gove on a night out, mortgage rates are set to soar, plunging millions of people into financial hardship. Meanwhile some Conservative MPs have been infuriated to learn the word mortgage has a silent letter 't' in the middle.


One began shouting 'That silent letter seems suspiciously French if you ask me. Leave means leave. And that 't' has got to go.'


'Anyway, who are these ghastly oiks who can't afford to spend their uncle's inheritance on a city crash pad to go with their house in the country? They probably eat too many avocados or something. We should cut any benefits they're on and give them a clip round the ear as well as a sneering lecture on financial responsibility. Why haven't they taken the precaution of being rich already? '






The Borrowers face eviction if interest rates skyrocket


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A family of tiny four-inch-high people who live below a clock could lose it if interest rates go through the roof.


With tears in his eyes, Mr Pod Clock, who had just returned from a trip exploring the garden, explained the tragic circumstances.


‘We’ve been happily borrowing for years,’ he said. ‘That’s how we got the old, detached clock to live under a few years ago. I never thought for one minute that the interest rates would shoot up overnight because some brain-dead human bean in Downing Street doesn’t know how to use a calculator. It’s the perfect storm. Thanks to Brexit, exports of my boot buttons have tailed right off, and I can’t seem to get a second job scaling curtains with a hairpin to help pay the mortgage.'


Pod’s wife Homily, a tiny person and tiny housewife, agreed with him. ‘At this rate we’re not going to be able to keep up with our borrowing and we're all worried in case Arrietty starts self harming again.


A spokesman for the Ratcatcher Building Society said they were sympathetic with the family’s plight. However, it was better for all concerned if the small people were crushed underfoot once and for all.

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