Larry the cat resigns because he can't afford to pay his mortgage

Larry the cat has resigned from his £118K job as Government Chief Mouser saying that his mortgage was now costing him £2,000 per month, leaving him just £4,100 per month to live on after tax.

'It’s utterly ridiculous to expect a cat, even a skinny one to be able to live on that sort of money; and I don’t have kittens to send to a public school, so goodness knows how cats with kittens to support are expected to manage,' he said.

A spokescatlover for a feline charity told Newsbiscuit that the special appeal for Larry has already raised £5m and since this is similar to the salaries ex-government ministers are able to supplement their MP’s salaries with by taking second jobs working for sanctioned Russian oligarchs, she’s optimistic he will now be able to live with the dignity to which he has become accustomed.

Larry refused to comment on what he’d been spending the remaining £4,100 of his monthly income on, but a friend assured us it isn’t drugs or brothels.

Photo by Eric Han on Unsplash

MPs voted out to be released into the wild

The government is planning help for MPs who lose their lucrative jobs to make the transition into normal life.

The scheme is being heralded as making being an MP more attractive but is a widely seen as a thinly veiled admission that a lot of Tories, particularly in the north, will soon be adding to the unemployable stats.

Consultants are being employed to teach ex MPs skills such shouting, “Big Issue” or simply standing behind a counter and asking “Do you want fries with that?”

The scheme will not be available to MPs who step down. They will been deemed to have made themselves redundant and as such they will not be eligible for benefits, but will be given the services of a ghost writer to knock out a few trashy novels.

A similar scheme was being developed for ex PMs and Cabinet Ministers but was scrapped when it became obvious that the numbers were simply too high.

Government urged to issue list of acceptable insults for ministers

There is pressure on the government to clarify what ministers can legally be called. A website where people could submit suggested insults has repeatedly crashed because of overloading.

"'Tory scum' is obviously fine", explained a spokesman, "and we would request people not to keep suggesting that one. 'Bell end', 'muppet', 'tosser' and 'yogurt brain' are already under study."

A committee of experts comprising Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a professor of Anglo-Saxon and a vet are evaluating the possible names.

When approached for a comment, the Reverend Justin Welby said that "'dick-head' was quite a popular choice, but in my view, doesn't go far enough. Personally, I'd calling them all ******* *****"

Image: madartzgraphics - Pixabay

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