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Microsoft adds "Letter of No Confidence in the PM" to Word templates



Conservative MPs who've updated their copies of Microsoft Office have found a new time saving template built-in to the new version.


One Tory MP explained; "I fired up a blank document in Word this morning to write a letter to a constituency, I got as far as typing 'Dear...' when it popped up a window saying 'It looks like you're writing a letter of no confidence to Boris Johnson. Would you like help?' There was my old friend Clippy, but bent in the shape of a hangman's noose.


"I thought 'Why not?' and select the 'Yes' option and the document wrote itself with a comprehensive list of misdeeds that any other prime-minister would not only resign for, but for most people have to change his name and leave the country. When I printed it off, I had to load an extra pack of paper - it's going to cost a fortune to post."


A spokesman for Microsoft explained that "They try and keep Word up to date with future requirements."


When contacted for comment, Downing Street said they were "Too busy for this; they had a leaving do to organise and someone had told the brewery the wrong date."


'UK not a corrupt country', says man in charge of corrupt MPs

Updated: Dec 3, 2021


The Prime Minister appeared to distance himself from the majority of the British public by agreeing they weren't inherently corrupt, implying that those he didn't by nature distance himself from were, including but not necessarily limited to: Conservative MPs, Conservative donors, Conservative Party Treasurers, some blokes Johnson and his cabinet members met in a pub, his mates and anyone who had an island retreat to lend for a fortnight.


The government has promised to tackle corruption and will set up an enquiry that will be presided over by the highest bidders who will almost certainly receive a peerage in return for delivering the correct result. They will, of course, be handsomely paid and be allowed to work from home. Or the Bahamas, whichever pays the most.






Climate change beaten after Tory MP takes it on as second job

Updated: Dec 12, 2021



COP26 has been deemed a “resounding success” by scientists after former cabinet minister Nigel Huntington-Smith MP attended it in the capacity of his new second job as a professional eco-warrior.


Mr Huntington-Smith is MP for Warmington-on-Sleaze and served as Minister for Toadying in David Cameron’s cabinet. He is being paid Greta Thunberg’s pocket money for his new role.


“We all know that Tory MPs give their second jobs much more attention, care and effort than they do being an MP and are much more successful in them as a result,” one scientist said.


“I had thought that even with the promises being made at COP26 we were doomed, but now Mr Huntington-Smith is being paid to sort it out, it looks like it will be alright after all.”


The MP was previously known as a climate change sceptic and also holds roles advising a number of fossil fuel firms, but scientists are not worried about this. “We predict he’ll believe anything for the right price,” one said.


Following Mr Huntingdon-Smith’s appearance at the climate change summit, scientists revised their predictions to include global temperature increases to be at manageable levels, coal and gas to magically become clean and sustainable fuel, extinct species to return and net-zero to be reached in every country by Sunday teatime.


Meanwhile, Labour has become the latest political party to become involved in the scandal surrounding MP’s second jobs, after it emerged Keir Starmer is being paid to lead an opposition to the Government.


“I had no idea he was leading an opposition,” one outraged Labour voter in his constituency said. “He has kept that job very quiet – I haven’t seen him doing it all. It is a disgrace. We should have known he was supposed to be doing that when we voted for him.”





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