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Geoffrey Cox traced to Caribbean tax haven after his voice registered 7.1 on the Richter scale

Updated: Nov 27, 2021


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Bombastic ranter and poor man's foghorn, Sir Geoffrey Cox has been discovered alive and well. He was found floating on an inflatable gift horse in a swimming pool full of fifty-pound notes on the British Virgin Islands.


While trousering the not inconsiderable amount of £65m for a couple of hours' work' (shuffling three sheets of para-legal standard offshore paperwork around his desk), he was so surprised by the amount he'd earned that he let out a massive primal bellow of delight.


The sonic wave flattened anything above two metres high on the island and has left the entire population of over 30,000 people homeless. A tsunami alert has been issued for Nicaragua, Venezuela and West Croydon.


Despite criticism and allegations of one law for the rich, one for everyone else, Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab rushed to Sir Geoffrey's defence: A spokesperson for Raab noted, 'Sir Geoffrey was operating within government remote working guidelines. The fact that the remote in this instance just happened to be a remote tropical island is neither here nor there'.







MPs fail to declare MP’s salary – ‘as they haven’t earnt it’

Updated: Nov 26, 2021


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Among all their passive incomes, second jobs and consultancy, MPs seem to have forgotten what their day job is – other than putting in expenses claims. When asked what they thought the £80,000 salary was for, most replied: ‘New ties?’.



In the Register of Members’ Financial Interests, one Minister said: ‘Yes, please, I'm interested in money – where can get some more?’. The other top three financial interests were said to be a postal address at the Cayman Islands, Nazi gold and the whereabouts Captain Flint’s treasure.



Another MP denied obtaining money under false pretences: ‘I’m paid to sit in the House of Commons, which is what I do. I sit. I stand. Sometimes I even have a little wander around’.






Govt replaces Standards Committee with Pay-As-You-Go system

Updated: Nov 26, 2021


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The government has answered accusations that it intended to do away with the MP standards system entirely, by outlining proposals for a new Pay-As-You-Go system designed to "streamline" the processing of MPs caught selling themselves to the highest bidder, or "going about their right honourable business" in the words of the proposals.


"The old system was simply dreadful" said government spokesperson Quentin Smythe, MP for Hemel Hempstead and Glaxo SmithKline. "A boring old committee just called witnesses, pored over the evidence, and made a decision. I mean honestly. Slow, inconvenient, and no chance to cross-question witnesses to find out whether their parents went to school with mine, or if they prefer brown envelopes or an online transfer to a Cayman Islands bank account. Dysfunctional, as you trendy PC types would say."


"So going forward we are going to have a modern, transparent system where there is a simple, published scale of commission percentages, that you'll be expected to pay towards the Palace of Westminster Xmas Party Fund, out of any chance donations from the business community that might happen to land in your pockets. 2% for the small fry under 50k, 1% for anything above that, and donate your air miles to the Xmas Party Venue Research Subcommittee - climate change be damned. Happy now?"






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