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The White House has received a package ticking more suspiciously than a Tesla.


Personally addressed to 'Nice wig. It would be a shame if something happened to it', the delivery was initially popped over the back fence of 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue by the ever diligent Jeff Bezos.


Following close scrutiny by defunded and non-existent security services, the parcel was declared probably OK, and left on the Resolute Desk along with the usual viciously nobbled giant Russian gherkin, a tub of expired Kinky-Yogurt Jelly, and a bottle of medicinal bleach.


Included in the thoughtful scare package were tickets to an America Party, a selection of rapid unscheduled disassembly products, and a horse's head called Peter Thiel.


It is unclear at this time which of the fake Donald Trumps opened the bundle, but the noise from the Oval Orifice was described as 'a bit SpaceXy'.


However, initial reports confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg was sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom at someone else's mum's house rocking with his chin on his knees murmuring, 'No one ever sends me nuffink.'



In a further escalation of his bitter fallout with Elon Musk, US President Donald Trump has mobilised troops to surround the home of the former head of the Department of Government Efficiency.


‘We need to bring some control to this situation and keep bad people off the streets,’ said Trump today. ‘When someone that I appointed to Government no longer agrees with everything I say, it’s no exaggeration to say that we are witnessing is an insurrection and complete break-down of law and order in America. It’s terrible, terrible.’


National Guard troops are now stationed around all of Musk’s properties with shoot-to-kill orders should the Tesla CEO use any adjectives to describe Trump’s budget legislation other than ‘big’ and ‘beautiful’.


Critics have turned on Trump for using the US military for political purposes, but the President is unrepentant. ‘What else would I use the US military for? Protecting people in Gaza or Ukraine?’


Author: herculepoisson




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