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'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity.


'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches.


'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules.


'His reign hasn't been quite like the permanent winter imposed by the wicked ice witch; it's more like slate grey skies, persistent drizzle and perpetual pay cuts. But we're desperate for Aslan to come and lift the unrelenting dreariness.


No one in Labour is quite certain what shape their saviour 'Aslan' will actually take. He may arrive in the form of Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner or Wes Streeting. But the betting is that Aslan will come down from the north... or at least from north London.


At press time, a terrified Starmer had shut himself inside a wardrobe and was refusing to emerge until everyone promises to stop voting for his arch-enemies, poison toad Farage and his rotten army of Reform goblins.

Fantasy Lands to visit or retire to - we help you decide.

Tired of reality or the brutal dystopias served up by TV and film? Why not try a fantasy land to visit or even retire your thoughts to!


Of course, there are plenty of options available but only Newsbiscuit gives you the lowdown to keep you grounded on your flight of fancy.


Cloud Cuckoo Land


One word nowadays - overcrowded. People who come here tend to stay. Easy access, which is why it’s overrun.


Biggest plus – Ease of getting there.

Biggest minus - Not a great place if you’re wanting informed discussion. Increasingly full of people you disagree with, especially MAGA and Reform types saying you’re there but they aren’t.


We say: Skip this trip. Despite superficial similarities, at least Florida has the Everglades.


NB rating *



The Land of Oz


Much has been made of the very short working hours and the treatment of the indigenous Munchkins. However, we talked to one less content citizen with a face of a non-standard colour, who wished to remain anonymous. Journey there a nightmare but main central highway easy to follow. Absolute monarch, albeit loved by almost all the inhabitants.


Biggest plus - The Emerald City.

Biggest minus - Treatment of Wicca minorities and the songs.


We say: fine if the buildings are green, just not if your face is.


NB Rating ****



Never Never Land


More for the kids this one - a real adventure tourism hotspot. Inhabitants seem to be ridiculously young, without apparently any drug or surgical assistance. However, not the kind of sophisticated adult night life you might want with no restaurants or trendy bars. Some pirate activity on the coast. Transport also difficult. Treatment of indigenous Indians not great and sceptic adults have had an adverse impact on the fairy population.


Biggest plus: Less of an absolute monarchy than Oz or Narnia (although still no sign of elections).

Biggest minus: Night flights only.


We say: Drop the kids off for this one, although defo not at the similarly named Neverland ranch.


NB rating ***



Narnia


Absolute monarchy again but this time the ruler actually fancies himself as God. Generally good on diversity but treatment of Wicca practitioners not so impressive, nor for those fond of year-round winter sports. Transport straightforward once you’ve located one of the very limited number of portals. This was intended to keep the number of visitors down but there still seems to be a vast number of Americans, in particular, all complaining how it doesn’t look like the movies. Probably most in danger of war breaking out - was the Last Battle really the final one or will disaffection break out again as it has several times in its history?


Biggest plus: No flights required.

Biggest minus: Someone could put the “war” back into wardrobe at any time.


We say: The Lion King was better as a movie (the original animated one not the crappy 2019 rehash, obvs).



NB rating ***




Trump to annex Narnia



‘By rights, Narnia is American, wherever it is,’ President Trump told reporters yesterday. ‘A lot of people have never ever heard of this place, but it’s strategically important. By the way talking about ‘never ever’, I have my people looking into the little known region of Never Neverland, which is rich in precious minerals and ruled by pirates, probably Muslim, so according to my WhatsApp we’ll be sending reconnaissance forces to bomb the hell out of them, but that’s top secret at the moment, so any scumbag journalists in this press briefing, report that if you dare.’


He continued ‘On the Narnia thing, we understand they control their borders through a city called Wardrobe, or Warsaw or some such, and the disturbing thing is it’s a place where they lure children for goodness knows what perverted commie practices. There’s talk of witches so I don’t need to say any more. We’re looking at other little-known lands which by rights belong to the USA. For example if there’s a Greenland there’s probably a Blueland and maybe a Yellowland, we shall see. And there’s a tiny country called Lilliput, so small it doesn’t appear on a map, if you can believe that.



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