Apollo 7 astronaut funeral was faked, say conspiracy theorists

NASA has denied claims that the last surviving Apollo 7 astronaut is alive and well and living with Elvis and Michael Jackson in a condo in Palm Springs. Walter Cunningham, the first orbiting astronaut to sing ‘Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy’ while off his tits on acid, was forced to deny allegations that he isn’t dead.

Conspiracy nut spokesperson, Buddy Marylou Dingus Jnr III, told NewsBiscuit: ‘We have photographic evidence that astronauts are not real. If you look closely, you can see they’re made of cardboard. Them thar rootin-tootin sy-an-tists don’t know shit nor nuthin, and I got me a gun.’

The Apollo 7 crew were the first men to successfully dock and rendezvous in space, but the film footage of this encounter has never been made public. It is believed to be kept in a brown paper bag in a locked drawer at Cape Kennedy and can only be viewed at very special parties.

Space sh*t, confirms NASA

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has confirmed that space is total wank.

'For decades, we at NASA have been deceiving everyone,' admitted Head of Making Space Seem Sexy, Sarah Spelman. 'Naive adults, and children who like making space rockets out of toilet roll tubes and foil, they think it's all buggering about in zero gravity and squirting cola globules into each others' mouths.

'But anyone who knows what it's really like up there understands it's pretty much an endless tedium, intermixed with attempting to avoid the gazillion different and terrifying ways space is trying to end you horrifically. Let me tell you, space is a complete c*nt.

'Don't get me wrong, there's some pretty extraordinary stuff out there in between all of the space, but it's all so ludicrously far away, no human will ever get to visit it in person. Well, not in anything we build. I mean, keep watching sci-fi films and playing with space Lego, but do that in an environment which doesn't suck the life out of you if you haven't shut the door properly.

'All these cool, heroic men and women who go up into space? Yeah, that's a sort of a screwy Catch 22. If you're mad enough to want to go into space, then we definitely let you go. Perfect place for those nuts billionaires to take themselves off to permanently, if you ask me.

'Space f*cks with your mind, wrecks your body, and you can't wait to get back to this lovely planet - the only place in the cosmos which isn't pant-wettingly lethal. We pretty much just send robots up there now. Landing washing machines on fast-moving comets; remote controlled buggies zipping about all over Mars... next we're going to put up a robo-giraffe ice skating majestically round the rings of Saturn. It won't unlock any secrets of the universe, but it will flummox sodding aliens. And that's what it's all about really, isn't it?'

NASA dismisses claims they sent rockets to the moon years ago as wild conspiracy theories

NASA Director of Rocket Science, Hank Eagleburger, has called out social media trolls who have attacked the agency for forgetting they’d already been to the moon.

Following the launch of a brand new $384bn rocket, Instagram and Tik Tok were swamped with thousands of photographs detailing six missions to the moon which supposedly occurred almost fifty years ago. These include several pictures of an astronaut called Neil Armstrong playing golf and several alleged moon rocks roughly the size of peas.

‘Everyone knows these photos are one giant hoax for mankind,’ growled Eagleburger at a press conference he called this morning. ‘Why the heck would we be going back to a place we’d already been?’

He said there was simply no evidence to support the theorist’s claims. Extensive carbon testing and state-of-the-art scanning techniques had proved beyond all reasonable doubt that the so-called moon rocks were, in fact, actual peas.

Image: PixabayWikiImages