Netflix | NewsBiscuit

Netflix to launch Deathflix live execution channel

Oct 13

Netflix has signed a deal with the US government to broadcast all future executions live on a dedicated new channel to be called Deathflix. The executions will take place during Super Bowl weekend to maximise advertising revenue.

“Me and ‘pistol’ Pete [Pete Hegseth, Donald Trump’s Secretary of Carnage] have been discussing this for some time,” President Trump said, “and it’s going be beautiful, really beautiful.”

The first execution will be of former US Army Major Nidal Hasan who is scheduled to be executed by firing squad on 3 December, in time for the selling of execution merch’ in the all-important runup to Christmas.

Meanwhile, Christa Pike, the Tennessee woman who survived death by lethal action, has been declared a saint by Pope Leo and is due to join the Pope on the balcony in St Peter’s Square once he is out of hospital for the removal of traces of disbelief from one of his lungs.

image by Grok

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

BBC cuts, take two

deskpilot

Aug 3

The BBC announced programme cuts this week, to save money, but there was little reaction. Celebrity Mastermind was clearly cut because slebs are expensive. And who wants to watch a quiz show with ignorant slebs? Blankety Blank was cut because the sixties are out of fashion again, and because nobody needs a cheque book or a pen these days.

And Live at the Apollo was cancelled after running out of comedians. And because some other channel will either keep the show going or create a suspiciously similar lookalike. Netflix already loves stand up. They can't believe how cheap it is.

After failing to generate much reaction, the BBC has now decided to cancel all its politics shows, to see if that presses Andy Burnham's buttons. Question Time goes because the fifties are out of fashion and because of the tedious job of keeping far right nutters out of the audience. Laura Kuennsberg goes because she's too expensive and also annoying. And the BBC Parliament channel is being replaced by a new channel called BBC Watching Paint Dry.

If that doesn't get some attention, then perhaps they will cancel Thought for the Day and The Archers.

Fingers crossed.

https://pixabay.com/photos/building-glass-architecture-salford-5429133/

www.newsbiscuit.com

English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Sully

Jun 3

Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays.

'We had one last week, lovely picturesque English village, honeysuckle round the vicarage door, cobbled streets, church bells – some nobody murdered his wife – also of no social status – after too much to drink. Would it have been too much trouble to kill a professor instead? Or to have left anagram clues? I despair'.

The only things keeping English tourism alive are the Royal Family and quaint murders. The ETB is rumoured to be hacked off with the Royal Family also, but they don't voice their concerns in case it scuppers the odd gong down the line.

'England is known for its carefully crafted murders', a spokesman told us. 'Curare, vicars, maybe a vintage car or two. Americans love it. We've asked for GCSE Poisoning to be reintroduced to the curriculum. Can't think why they ever cancelled it'.

Netflix have joined the ETB's campaign, highlighting the boost to the economy from telegenic murders. 'We bring around ten million of your quaint English pounds into the country when we film a mini-series', a mogul said. 'So a retired sea captain and a coupla spinsters hit the deck a little early. So what? We all have to go'.

Image: George Ciobra (@george_ciobra) | Unsplash Photo Community

Back to Top