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BBC cuts, take two


The BBC announced programme cuts this week, to save money, but there was little reaction. Celebrity Mastermind was clearly cut because slebs are expensive. And who wants to watch a quiz show with ignorant slebs? Blankety Blank was cut because the sixties are out of fashion again, and because nobody needs a cheque book or a pen these days.


And Live at the Apollo was cancelled after running out of comedians. And because some other channel will either keep the show going or create a suspiciously similar lookalike. Netflix already loves stand up. They can't believe how cheap it is.


After failing to generate much reaction, the BBC has now decided to cancel all its politics shows, to see if that presses Andy Burnham's buttons. Question Time goes because the fifties are out of fashion and because of the tedious job of keeping far right nutters out of the audience. Laura Kuennsberg goes because she's too expensive and also annoying. And the BBC Parliament channel is being replaced by a new channel called BBC Watching Paint Dry.


If that doesn't get some attention, then perhaps they will cancel Thought for the Day and The Archers.


Fingers crossed.





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English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders


Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays.


'We had one last week, lovely picturesque English village, honeysuckle round the vicarage door, cobbled streets, church bells – some nobody murdered his wife – also of no social status – after too much to drink. Would it have been too much trouble to kill a professor instead? Or to have left anagram clues? I despair'.


The only things keeping English tourism alive are the Royal Family and quaint murders. The ETB is rumoured to be hacked off with the Royal Family also, but they don't voice their concerns in case it scuppers the odd gong down the line.


'England is known for its carefully crafted murders', a spokesman told us. 'Curare, vicars, maybe a vintage car or two. Americans love it. We've asked for GCSE Poisoning to be reintroduced to the curriculum. Can't think why they ever cancelled it'.


Netflix have joined the ETB's campaign, highlighting the boost to the economy from telegenic murders. 'We bring around ten million of your quaint English pounds into the country when we film a mini-series', a mogul said. 'So a retired sea captain and a coupla spinsters hit the deck a little early. So what? We all have to go'.


Netflix agrees new deal with Meghan


Netflix has confirmed that it won't pay for any more embarrassingly bad content from Meghan. This includes canning advertorials for American Riviera Orchard, or As Ever. As if?


The new deal will allow Meghan to access all of Netflix's content, ad free, on a special new 'Royal Plan', for only $18 a month. The package comes with a special, once-in-a-lifetime, restraining order.


Under the deal, Meghan will continue to pitch ideas for new embarrassingly bad content and Netflix has promised that they will at least open the envelopes. No further meetings or phone calls are expected and Netflix has said that it will be changing all of its email addresses.


Meghan is reported to have said that the new deal confirms her status, her star power, and business acumen. Harry is reported to have been told to shut the F up.




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