The Chancellor of the Exchequer and newsreaders' nightmare, Jeremy Hunt, has announced that the government is to make smoking compulsory to everyone over 17 with 16 and 15 year olds to be phased in by 2027.
Mr Hunt explained, "I've examined the reasoning behind New Zealand cancelling the ban on smoking and the raising of taxes by cigarette sales obviously outweighs any minor health benefits of not dying."
image from pixabay
By 2035 half the world will be over-weight, and the rest of us becoming chubby chasers. Explained one scientist: 'With the majority of fatties being in the northern hemisphere, our planet is listing heavily, with much of the Pacific Ocean pouring into space.
'There is a real danger of us spinning into the sun. And only the obese of Florida are stopping the Earth from spiralling out of control.
'It's too late to get people to diet, so we're going to need New Zealand to become a counter-weight, by gorging on doughnuts. Some have suggested our only chance of survival is going to Mars, but I suspect we'd just eat it.'
Following a successful 6 year spell as Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern will shortly be a free agent and a bidding war between some of the world’s biggest countries looks certain to follow.
Earlier in her career, Ardern had spells in the US and UK. However a big move to Washington now looks less likely, as Joe Biden has forgotten where he’d left the paperwork that would have parachuted Ardern into the Oval Office.
King Charles (aka Chuck 3) is rumoured to be a big fan, and with the current state of the UK, Ardern’s installation would be a popular formality - plus she can reach higher shelves. The only question mark is why she would risk her reputation with such a basket case of a country.
A statement from the office of Boris Johnson that no-one had asked for said ‘PMILF’.
