Police are appealing for witnesses after three foreign looking men dripping in gold and smelling like a whore's boudoir turned up unannounced on Christmas Eve at a boutique barn conversion hotel that has just received a scathing one-star review on TripAdvisor. 'We think these three wise-guys are probably undocumented illegal immigrants,' said a police spokesman today, noting they were dusky skinned and wore 'long frocks'. Locals complained that 'travellers' were also a frequent cause of trouble in the area, with local young farmers also dragging the area down instead of working their farms, tending their sheep by night and complaining about the EU subsidies they lost when they voted Brexit. 'We can just about tolerate them bringing their livestock to the local hotels, but always voting Tory?' complained an onlooker.
The hotel has been the centre of attention recently, with at least one baby being born without medical aid amid claims it was a virgin birth. It has been noted that a virgin birth is as unlikely as a virgin, full stop, in the locality, but is way more plausible than any claim by Lee Anderson. NHS cuts and ambulances stuck at A&E are thought to be the reason for the birth occurring without medical assistance and local gossip about angels probably refer to off-duty nurses providing advice and help. Local Authority officials are considering closing down the facility after livestock was found to be wandering around and considered that to be unhealthy given the newborn child, unprovable alleged virgin birth and a pile of Christmas presents containing substances regarded as 'suspicious' in the hotel.
'To be fair, we also expected donkeys,' said a police spokesman, 'but it is Christmas recess at Westminster.'
