top of page
Search

Starmer 'forgot' he was supposed to be a cult leader


'To be honest, he thought it was a typo originally, and therefore considered he was doing ok,' said a spokesman when asked why Labour hadn't followed the other parties down the cult route started by Johnson with his three word slogans and industrial scale grift.


'Wacky hairstyles can be a good sign of being a cult, look at Argentina's leader,' pointed out the spokesman.  'Wielding a chainsaw helps, too,' he added.


The main feature of cults is that they rarely exist if and when the leader of the cult is no longer available.


'Do you think "Your Party" will be around long if Jeremy Corbyn retires?  Or worse, gets a daytime TV slot presenting Ground Force?' asked a political expert with more than twenty followers on Twitter, also known as 'Why'.


'Will the Republicans continue if Trump loses his marbles?' he asked, putting a hand up to his ear.  'I might have to get back to you on that one,' he said.


'What chance of Reform continuing if Nigel Farage gets offered the multi-million evening talk show on Fox in the US?  Or someone finds out why he said the same things Nathan Gill said for the Russian's roubles, but only apparently for free?  Or if anyone goes remotely into that Clacton house purchase? Put it this way, insiders believe he's already bought shares in a sack making company, with sacks big enough for rats to fight in.  I'd suggest investing in popcorn manufacturing as well,' he added.


'And what about the Greens?  Zack Polanski is driving up the membership and is in touching distance of appearing on Laura Kuenssberg to be talked over.  If he decided to go back to hypnotising women to believe they can think their boobs bigger, where will the greens be?


'Ed Davey might be replaceable for the Lib Dems, but who wants to risk life and limb representing them?'


'So that only leaves Labour and as was pointed out, they forgot to elect a cult leader, which makes them a boring outlier in today's British politics and may condemn them to still being here in four years time,' said the expert.


'The Conservatives?  The people who replaced their cult leader with Truss, Sunak and now Badenoch?  Have you seen the party conference?  No, for them it was definitely a typo!'




Farage to be nominated for volunteering award

‘Volunteering is when you do something for free’, a spokesman explained. ‘For example, if I’m paid by the Council to pick up litter but you supplement this by doing some unpaid litterpicks – that’s volunteering.


‘We noticed that Nigel had heroically made speeches on behalf of Russia without being paid for them – most notably on 24th March 2014, 16th September 2014 and 12th November 2015. These were completely free of charge and definitely not treason or bribery or anything like that.


‘What a contrast with his friend and colleague Nathan Gill who took bribes for very similar speeches. Right there you have the reason why Nigel Farage is a true gent – helping out an impoverished neighbour (Russia) with no thought for his personal gain’.




What the farage? - Noleg Farageov is secret British triple bluff to fool Putin


A double agent for both MI5 and MI6 has confirmed that Noleg Farageov is a sweet, sweet play to con Russia into believing they've installed another Boris in Londongrad.


'Listen very carefully, I will say this only three times,' explained agent Uvve Doubléé (probably not his real name).


'After Boris The-Clearly-Not-Russian Alexander-The-Great Johnski dismantled British sovereignty, we had Putin right where we wanted him. Luzzia Trussalev did not quite finish off the UK, so it will now be the turn of Noleg Farageov.


'The most important part of the plan is that as much damage as possible is done to Britain, so that Vladimir and his inner circle do not suspect a thing. Then, at the critical moment when he least expects, we will reveal that we knew what he was doing all along by feeding him disinformation about whether or not we knew.


'We will then laugh at Putin and his ex-KGB Comrades and how we carefully played them, outwitted them, and deviously duped them all for so many years. It will be the greatest win for intelligence in history.'


'It is a high level strategy codenamed Bletchley, developed during the Second World War to throw Hitler off the scent by letting the Nazis destroy everything we had. It was very clever because we had in reality decoded the Enigma machine, and all along he never suspected.


'The Turing Test was used again in 1950s America. Unfortunately, that developed into a quadruple bluff when McCarthy tarnished America's finest patriotic minds as Communists, doing Russia a huge favour.


'But we have come a long way since then. Farageov is the perfect triple agent because he has no idea he is actually working on the side of the British. Once he has become Prime Minister and completely destroyed Britain, it is then that we will strike to maximise the uber-Machiavellian plot to humiliate Putin.'



bottom of page