Reform abandons cake wall after bakers warn it won’t work

Reform UK has abandoned plans to protect Britain’s borders with a 30-foot wall of cake after bakers warned it would be “vulnerable to rain and surprisingly easy to eat through”.

The party insisted the barrier could be built entirely from British flour, eggs and “absolutely no foreign jam”. Nigel Farage dismissed concerns about its structural integrity as “Two-Tier baking”.

Plans to switch from Victoria sponge to fruitcake were abandoned after a Home Office study found the wall would attract 14 million seagulls. Reform is now understood to be considering a moat filled with custard, although the alternative plan is only 50% thought through and, as yet, unproven.

https://pixabay.com/photos/cake-cooking-food-treat-bake-2680410/

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Farage denies doing wrong is wrongdoing

Nigel Farage has claimed his incredible complicated financial affairs are entirely transparent and above board 'assuming that the board is one of those making up the very bottom of the barrel and getting a felony wire fraud conviction is a phase that we all go through,', explained Mr Farage, 'and the idea that money given to me is is in some way a donation is ridiculous. Finally, I am sick of being portrayed as someone obsessed with making money.'

'Incidentally, am I being paid for this? Use my usual anonymous Swiss account and route it via a shell corporation in Grand Cayman. From there, buy me some Russian gold on the dark web and a bunch of crypto. Job's a good 'un.'

Image: WixAI

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Farage's tobacconist to be given SAS protection

In the last twenty-four hours the degree of security provided to Reform MPs, their families and close associates has increased dramatically.

Nigel Farage now receives round the clock security from MI6, his ex wife and current girlfriend have both been put into witness protection, presumably in one or more of his houses, while Richard Tice has been offered a cuddly toy to hug at night and Zia Yusef has been allocated Lee Anderson as his personal bodyguard.

Farage's barber, his butcher and his newsagent have all found 22 SAS parked outside their premises brandishing Glocks and Farage's personal bodyguard now has his own personal bodyguard, who is expected to get his own within the week.

For obvious reasons security at the House of Commons is unchanged.

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