"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association.
"But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those.
"We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in massively concentrated doses - usually, just ahead of by-elections.
"You can protect yourself from the Purecoldrage parasite," advised the spokes-antidote, "by blocking Nigel Farage from all your social media feeds and turning off your telly whenever he comes on."
