Farage rage over bouncy castle

Nigel Farage has expressed anger after parliament provided a bouncy castle reward for MPs with 100% attendance records.

Some MPs said the excluded MP were being 'abused' and 'emotionally damaged' by the institution.

However, in an email to MPs, Speaker Lindsay Hoyle, said the reward was 'never designed to punish or discriminate.'

He wrote: 'We wanted to reward MPs for excellent attendance, which we thought was an exceptional accomplishment. Even if they spent the whole day asleep when they got here.'

Picture credit: deep dream generator

You know the school holidays have started when...

• When all the shops that sell school uniforms are urging parents to purchase September's clothing ahead of the annual growth spurt.  You'll just have to guess what size the ankle-snappers will squeeze into in six, seven weeks time because in September the shops will be full of ski wear and winter tops for the New Year's bash.  Make sure you pick up their Halloween outfits at the same time as their oversized uniforms, because all that will be left at the end of the school holidays will be Boris Johnson and Michael Gove masks left over from the lock-down Halloween sales. 

• When all the roads are incredibly quiet.  Apart from the roads leading to the coast, ports, North, South, East and West.  They'll be log-jammed for at least eight weeks, until the final British holidaymaker is forcibly repatriated by Haven Resorts.

  
  

• When sales of Union Flag sleeveless tops soar in specific seaside resorts, along with Nazi tattoos and far right hatred, which apparently can be purchased in bottle form, useful for filling with stolen petrol for throwing at police vehicles.  Outrage, like child growth, also increases exponentially at this time.  Allow for full meltdown on Twitter by the second week.  It's probably in full meltdown in the first week, but you'll be too busy buying school uniforms and won't notice.

• When Nigel Farage appears on any remotely topical political TV show, despite only having four (at time of writing, could be less by now) MPs, fewer than practically every other political party, and none of which we ever see. Despite being platformed, he won't answer any policy questions and nobody, but no-bloody-body will ask him how Brexit is doing.

Correction, the fourth point is true all year round.  Unfortunately.

Labour to blame for record low Full Moon, says Kemi

"Keir Starmer should be utterly ashamed that this month's Strawberry Moon has plummeted to the lowest point for a Full Moon since 2006," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch. "This is due to a 'major lunar standstill' which Labour was totally responsible for and did nothing to prevent," continued Ms Badenoch, in between wild howls at the Moon. "We Conservatives pledge that we will take the British Moon back to its rightful place in the heavens," she said, standing on a bare hillside and ranting at the sky.

"It is because of 14 years of Tory rule that the Moon has sunk to this abject level," replied Sir Keir Stargazer, "but under Labour, you will see it steadily return to its former heights. That might actually be the biggest thing we'll have to crow about, come the next election."

"With the Moon this low, there's never been a better opportunity to put doughty British astronauts on its surface," said Reform leader Nigel Fruitcake. "They could virtually jump there.

"Just call 0800-LOONYTUNES and pledge 50 bitcoins to the Reform UK Moonshot Fund to hear me talk and talk about it, c/o my closed down Coutts account."

Image: photo-graphe - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com