Naturists claim Chinese cookery class ban is 'wokism' after being told to put some clothes on.

An elderly naturist couple have brought their local adult education college to a tribunal citing discrimination after they were barred from attending a Chinese cookery class unless they agreed to wear clothing.

Brian Buff, 86, and his wife Sheila, 84, say they were "humiliated" when the tutor explained that students were expected to wear aprons and sensible clothing when cooking with woks full of boiling oil.

'We're victims of naked prejudice,' said Brian. 'People hear the word "naturist" and immediately assume we're going to end up with third-degree burns to our tackle.'

"Well...," replied tutor Angela Roberts, "yes."

The couple went on to insist they have been preparing food while naked for decades without incident

'That's because you've mainly been making fishpaste and beetroot sandwiches,' said Roberts, before the chair of the committee adjourned the hearing for the weekend.

The case continues next week.

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Government bans jigsaws

Journalists have noticed a new measure that didn’t make it into Rachel Reeve’s Spring Statement speech today.  In the small print of the accompanying documents, that only the accountants and tax lawyers read, there is a dramatic new initiative to ban jigsaws.

Jigsaws – basically cut up pictures that you have to reassemble – will be banned for everyone between 16 and state pension age, which currently 66 - at least for a few more weeks. The government describes the new ban as a bold move to address economic inactivity. In other words, too many people of working age are spending too much time trying to complete 5,000 piece jigsaws of baked beans, or kittens, or thatched cottages.

‘The economic impact is huge,’ said a spokesman.  ‘The time wasted on doing jigsaws is the equivalent to 2.355% of GDP.’  Everyone listening mentally added ‘FACT’ to the end of that sentence.  ‘Banning the sale of new and used jigsaws to people of working age is estimated to increase the numbers in employment by 2.344%, which would be welcome news to Mondeo Man, the Just-About-Managing group and hard-working Britons.

‘Exemptions will be allowed for children’s jigsaws that do not exceed 100 pieces, and for tourist jigsaws.  A tourist jigsaw must have a picture of an important British figure (yes to Churchill, Starmer, Thatcher, Robert Peel, Isaac Newton, no to Noel Gallagher, Jimmy Saville, Mr Blobby, Fred West, Yaxley-Lennon), or a British Landmark (yes to Stonehenge, the Cenotaph, Heathrow, Felixstowe Docks, the M25, no to the Bibby Stockholm, the encampment at Greenham Common, the felled Sycamore Gap tree, turds on the beach).  In addition, a tourist jigsaw must be made from recycled cardboard, have a union flag on the box, and be priced at £49.95 or more.

Charity shops estimate that not being able to sell jigsaws will cost them around 2.322% of turnover, and have asked the government for extra money to fill the gap.

The spokesman concluded by saying that ‘this government will take the tough decisions necessary to get the economy back on its feet and to boost growth.  It’s a long process.  We’re fighting Britain’s corner, and we’re taking it one piece at a time.’

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

Government to re-train prisoners as politicians to raise standards in public office.

Justice Secretary Dominic Raab has today announced a new initiative to re-train prisoners as politicians to address a shortfall in standards, integrity and all-round competence in Parliament.

Hot on the heels of the government's scheme to simultaneously 'save Christmas' and win plaudits for BREXIT by training getaway drivers as hauliers and thieves as shelf-stackers, the new initiative is intended to improve the standing of the Cabinet and woo voters back to the Tories.

Raab said, 'It has become apparent that we could be sourcing professionally-qualified thieves and liars, instead of relying on amateurs. Also we could have perhaps got away with the Track and Trace daylight robbery if we had more experienced individuals covering the fiduciary misconduct aspects.' A senior civil servant admitted, 'We conducted an internal review and realised that standards in public office might actually be improved by replacing or augmenting some key individuals with convicted criminals. We are currently screening inmates at Broadmoor for potential roles as Home Secretary and Health Secretary. Meanwhile, Zippo's Circus has offered us a candidate for Prime Minister.'

Author: Squudge

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bookbabe-551008/

Govt replaces Standards Committee with Pay-As-You-Go system	Available now​	Boris examines the NHS data and demands to know how 40 hospitals have gone missing

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First published 26 Oct 2021

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