Government to re-train prisoners as politicians to raise standards in public office.

Justice Secretary Dominic Raab has today announced a new initiative to re-train prisoners as politicians to address a shortfall in standards, integrity and all-round competence in Parliament.

Hot on the heels of the government's scheme to simultaneously 'save Christmas' and win plaudits for BREXIT by training getaway drivers as hauliers and thieves as shelf-stackers, the new initiative is intended to improve the standing of the Cabinet and woo voters back to the Tories.

Raab said, 'It has become apparent that we could be sourcing professionally-qualified thieves and liars, instead of relying on amateurs. Also we could have perhaps got away with the Track and Trace daylight robbery if we had more experienced individuals covering the fiduciary misconduct aspects.' A senior civil servant admitted, 'We conducted an internal review and realised that standards in public office might actually be improved by replacing or augmenting some key individuals with convicted criminals. We are currently screening inmates at Broadmoor for potential roles as Home Secretary and Health Secretary. Meanwhile, Zippo's Circus has offered us a candidate for Prime Minister.'

Author: Squudge

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bookbabe-551008/

Govt replaces Standards Committee with Pay-As-You-Go system	Available now​	Boris examines the NHS data and demands to know how 40 hospitals have gone missing

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 26 Oct 2021

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Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Edgar Chronic, 78, is known locally for his life mantra that 'it's a funny old world'. For some reason he stopped using the phrase when the winter fuel allowance was stopped last year and for reasons not fully understood failed to resume laughing after his daughter, Brenda, mentioned that she supported the watered down assisted dying bill.

Experts studying Edgar did discern a flicker of a smile when the US bombed Iran. He was heard to mutter something about everyone getting an assisted death now.

Photo by yerling villalobos on Unsplash

No budget for assisted dying, says Government

After voting for Assisted Dying last week, the government has told voters that there is no budget to pay for it.

Protestors have been out on the streets complaining about, yet another, "one rule for the rich and one rule for the poor" policy from the Starmer government. 

One protestor, Dave Simmons, from Tipton told Newsbiscuit, "Once again this government has passed legislation which only the very rich in society can take advantage of. My gran is on a life support and would love to die, but the government won't let her. At this rate she could live forever and we'll never get her house.

Opposition MPs are furious. Tory Shadow Minister for Health, Wealth and Happiness, Uriah Heap, told our reporter, 'This bill is an absolute disgrace. We, the Conservatives, are supposed to be the haters of the poor, not Labour. They're supposed to be the nice ones.'

Labour MP, Tony Capp, said, 'Relatives of the poor will just have to stick to the traditional methods of a toaster in the bathroom or marbles on the stairs. Anyway, I don't know why people are complaining, the removal of the Winter Fuel Allowance will finish a lot of them off.'