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Footy - 'My biggest achievement in office' claims Starmer


'I just want to say - and let me be absolutely clear about this - the England team's success in a recent football match against Mexico was, to a very large extent, due to the not inconsiderable degree of encouragement they received from their supporters in England.'


'And this support would not have been so prolific if it had not been possible for honest, hard-working football enthusiasts from all parts of England, regardless of wealth or occupation - including, but not limited to toolmakers and the sons of toolmakers - to attend premises providing public refreshment during the actual time of the contest in question.'


'With regard to the question of regional priorities, as a retiring prime minister, it would not be appropriate for me to offer any comment except to respectfully draw attention to the fact that the city of Manchester does not have a team competing in the current ongoing world football championship contezzz ... ' 


image by Grok


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Area man unveils covert method of ogling female co-workers



Office lothario Henry Evans has discovered a foolproof technique for appreciating the beauty of female co-workers without prompting a call from HR. "The method is so simple, I'm surprised no-one has thought of it before," Henry tells us. "You want to start by maintaining eye-contact. This gives the impression that you're sincerely listening to what she has to say. Then, mid-way through the conversation, you just drop your gaze into her cleavage. It's all about timing. You don't want to loiter there; after a few minutes, she's bound to notice."

Henry explains the fascinating science behind his discovery.


"You see, women's eyes process things slower than males; they work at about 50 fps whereas males work at 100 fps. That means that she won't notice your gaze dribbling down her chest like a lascivious slug, even if you're standing right in front of her. Women only see black and white, which prevents—wait, that might be dogs actually."


Evans' insights offer much-needed guidance to many men who are struggling to navigate the minefield of office etiquette in a post-MeToo era. He wants men to know that the playful female objectification of yore does not need to disappear completely.


"This has been a process of trial and error," Henry tells us. "There are a few rookie mistakes that might give you away. Squeezing your hands at chest height and screaming "HONKA-HONKA" is not as inconspicuous as one might think. Nor is ejecting your eyes from your skull and yelling "AWOOGA" at the sight of a shapely rear. Females typically react unfavourably to this."


The women of the office were unavailable for comment. I think they were, anyway. One was wearing a red bra.


image from pixabay



First published 16 May 2023


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Man ponders next move after getting ‘Regards’ email signoff


A man has been left confused and unsure of what to do next after receiving an email from a work colleague using the sign-off ‘Regards’.


Pete McBride, 47, assistant sales manager in a car leasing company received the cryptic response after innocuously asking a co-worker if they’d managed to put together the spreadsheet with the sales forecasts for the next 3 months.


‘I asked Rich the question with my usual email request sandwich’ explained an agitated McBride. ‘You know the one,: ‘I hope you are keeping well…have you got the sales spreadsheet….Look forward to hearing from you soon. Yours, Pete’.


‘I flicked it across to Rich, waited a few hours, and then got back from lunch and found this grenade in my inbox: ‘Hi Pete, haven’t done this yet. Will get round to it when I can. Regards, Rich’.


‘Have to admit, it’s totally floored me’, continued McBride. No ‘best wishes’, ‘kind regards’, or even the slightly annoying but obviously affectionate ‘KR’. ‘I mean, is he going to do the sodding spreadsheet or not? His passive-aggressive ‘Regards’, clearly delivered with that condescending raise of the eyebrows and that arrogant little sneer he has suggests not. Wanker’.


McBride is now considering his next move , weighing up the relative benefits and costs of a capitalised ‘THIS IS NOW URGENT!!!’ Subject line along with the universally hated ‘Best’ signoff, versus a short ‘thanks Rich, copying Helen and the top team in for information’, along with a CC to Helen, the regional sales manager and 10 other senior executives.


‘I’m just not prepared to put up with this crap’, continued McBride. ‘I don’t want to, but if I have to, I’ll send it again with the atomic bomb signoff ‘Please Advise’. I’ve got nothing to lose’.

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