A Suffolk man has based his entire work-persona and all office social interactions on his coffee preferences, it can be revealed.
Philip Deering from Scole is either "basically unconscious until I get me morning coffee!' or 'bouncing of the freakin' walls, mate!' according to his unilaterally-imposed and relentless statements to coworkers, as well as any passing cleaning or delivery staff who will listen, which is none.
Other unsolicited and vapid bean-based announcements include "Tea's not strong enough for me!', 'Need my coffee hit!," and '"ought myself a new cafetiere with a handcrafted oak plunger!" according to weary colleagues.
'Phil's mundane and ostensibly self-depreciating "addiction" updates are actually nothing more than thinly disguised and bizarrely pitched caffeine brags, though quite whom he is trying to impress is difficult to ascertain,' laments Jenny from Accounts, fresh from her fifteen minute ordeal at the copier.
This morning I was forced to listen to a review of his latest "artisan'"baboon-picked, vanilla guano beans. Its was quite frankly the most boring and faux-middle-class thing I've ever heard - and also meant I couldn't get a word in about my new wild yoga business or our wonderful new gardener, James. Oh you must meet him, a wizard with the orchids!'
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
Offices across the UK are reporting their highest attendance since the 2020 Pandemic as employees shun working from home to embrace an environment with air conditioning.
"We're seeing our best June for in-office working and sickness absences," said one head of HR. "Usually when it's a bit sunny we get lots of fortuitous tummy-bugs and non-specific illnesses. However, now the mercury's crept into the high-20's, people seem a lot more ready to get on with the tasks at hand so long as they can do them in a climate-controlled building."
Many companies are struggling to cope with the influx of people, having reduced their number of desks and office space in the expectation hybrid working would remain commonplace. "It's full to bursting out there," one company director told us. "So we've had to take a page out of the NHS's books and set people up at temporary workstations in corridors. Most are ok with it so long as they're within six feet of an air vent. We'd tried everything for bringing people back from their homes: Team-building sessions, discounted coffee, relaxed clothing rules on a Friday; it turns out all we needed was climate change to keep doing what it's doing."
With temperatures set to peak over the weekend, requests for overtime are also at an all-time high. "At this rate, we're going to run out of jobs to do and have people reorganising the stationary cupboard. If it doesn't cool down and staff don't get back to their kitchen tables and doing chores in parallel to working, we may have to consider redundancies, or hoping that all this close-proximity working causes another outbreak of something and a need to send everyone home."
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