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Heatwave forces workers back to the office

Offices across the UK are reporting their highest attendance since the 2020 Pandemic as employees shun working from home to embrace an environment with air conditioning.


"We're seeing our best June for in-office working and sickness absences," said one head of HR. "Usually when it's a bit sunny we get lots of fortuitous tummy-bugs and non-specific illnesses. However, now the mercury's crept into the high-20's, people seem a lot more ready to get on with the tasks at hand so long as they can do them in a climate-controlled building."


Many companies are struggling to cope with the influx of people, having reduced their number of desks and office space in the expectation hybrid working would remain commonplace. "It's full to bursting out there," one company director told us. "So we've had to take a page out of the NHS's books and set people up at temporary workstations in corridors. Most are ok with it so long as they're within six feet of an air vent. We'd tried everything for bringing people back from their homes: Team-building sessions, discounted coffee, relaxed clothing rules on a Friday; it turns out all we needed was climate change to keep doing what it's doing."


With temperatures set to peak over the weekend, requests for overtime are also at an all-time high. "At this rate, we're going to run out of jobs to do and have people reorganising the stationary cupboard. If it doesn't cool down and staff don't get back to their kitchen tables and doing chores in parallel to working, we may have to consider redundancies, or hoping that all this close-proximity working causes another outbreak of something and a need to send everyone home."


image from pixabay


Young WFH workers shun Christmas office parties for GFUFH



Gen Z workers are abandoning the traditional office party pub crawl in favor of Get Fucked Up From Home (GFUFH). The innovation, which bosses struggling to find employees are wary to challenge, comes as more and more people are admitting they prefer their bedrooms and array of electronic devices to real time with other human beings.


Instead of staying behind in the office and making awkward conversation with people you still, despite having spent most of all day every day with them in shared office space for years, barely know, younger workers are bizarrely opting to take cash in lieu of free work booze, buy their own stash, and get blooty without the need for a risky taxi past closing time.


One boss of a large Halfords on the Wales-Herefordshire border expressed his frustration with the new trend. ‘I do not understand this generation. They could be taking turns doing karaoke as we film and abuse them while necking as many cheesy puffs as they like,’ he said. ‘But they’d rather drink alone with access to a complete history of worldwide media.’


‘The opportunities for sexual harassment are completely disappearing,’ said another boss who withheld any way of being identified. ‘When I started at this glazing firm in the 80s, the Christmas do was known as ‘Feel up Friday.’ Understandably, it was anticipated with great office cheer. By about 70% of staff’


Workplace bio-sociologists say the change is one of many reckonings following in the wake of Covid. ‘Covid changed the way we work, the way we socialize, and the way we get fucked up,’ said Dr Mark Mazden. ‘Young research staff in my department also demonstrate a kind of de-socialization, manifested in numerous asocial symptomatics. Getting wankered while scrolling YouTube shorts is the main one.’





Work productivity now zero, admits everybody



A summary of things that will be achieved this week would be shorter than a list of Bashar al-Assad's Christmas visitors, it has emerged.


The end now in sight, there's every sign that UK employees have pivoted en masse to the traditional festive phase of simply making tea until the clock runs down.


'I have been refreshing my Insta feed for 4 hours' said teacher Kath Took, who didn't even bother to launch Outlook this morning and has not arrived at lessons. 'I'm hoping to be caught and sent home but my boss has closed her blinds. I'm pretty sure she's drinking in there.'


'I unplugged my phone cord last Friday and pushed it into a satsuma on my desk' admitted IT analyst Rod Flynn. 'No one has called me out, although admittedly they can't reach me through the satsuma. I don't know how long I've been here or what I've been looking at on the Internet, though I'm prepared to soil myself it it means I can leave. Oh, it looks like that's what I've been Googling, actually.'


Christmas 'downtime' costs the British economy a certain amount of money each year, so look it up on Wikipedia or start writing that novel.



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