Faeces left at MPs office - inside jobbie?

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Office workers enthralled as colleague tells them how hot it is for the 500th time

A group of office workers at Pointless Plastics in Wolverhampton has been hanging onto every word uttered by their colleague Susan Obvious, as she repeatedly tells them how hot it is.

Admin Assistant Jenny Crump said, 'I’m so happy that Susan keeps telling us how hot it is. She mentions it at least once every five minutes, but it’s always worth hearing again.'

Receptionist Emma Flaps added, 'It’s great that we can rely on Susan to keep us informed about how hot it is. My blouse is wringing wet with sweat and it’s sticking to my back, but if Susan hadn’t kept mentioning how hot the weather is today, I wouldn’t have understood why.'

Office manager David Drear said, 'If it wasn’t for Susan’s frequent comments about how hot it is, I would never have figured out why sweat is pouring down my face, and my glasses have started to melt. I’m so glad Susan keeps drawing my attention to the heat.'

Finance Officer John Belch said, 'Thank goodness Susan keeps letting us know how hot it is. I couldn’t understand why my arse was sweating so much that the seat of my chair looks like I’ve p*ssed myself, but whenever Susan points out the fact that it's very hot today, it all makes sense.'

Susan’s colleagues are now eagerly waiting for her to come back from her lunch break, so she can tell them how hot it is outside.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/

Office weather banter due to reach peak banality this afternoon

Forecasters are warning that annoying weather-talk will reach a new high this afternoon at around 3pm. Office bores and bosses without imagination are due to mention the heat and refer to their iPhone temperature apps as often as every 10 minutes in some UK cities.

Met Office spokesperson Gillian McMillan said: “Office workers need to brace themselves for banter that includes phrases like ‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity’, ‘It’s hotter than Ibiza’ and ‘Maybe we should invest in air conditioning one day’. All of which will sap the already limp office atmosphere.”

To take shelter from poor quality chat, people are advised to wear headphones, steer clear of elevators where possible and to avoid calling the IT Helpdesk.

Gary Harris from the Unite union says workers should also be aware that bosses often use poor quality weather talk as an excuse to manipulate workers. “On days like today, many workers are bought things like free ice creams in order to distract them from the fact their boss is a dick. We’d like to remind workers that although you may now have a free ice cream, your boss is still a dick.

“You will be able to tell how much a dick your boss is by the number of times he says phrases like ‘there is no maximum temperature before we have to send you home’ and ‘the heat really IS on now, eh team?’.