The Tories are proposing a 'maximum extraction strategy' for ketchup and sauce bottles. New legislation will require sauce bottles to have a wide neck so that you can at least get a knife in, if not a spoon.
Britons are estimated to waste 40 tonnes of sauce a day because extracting the last bit is virtually impossible.
Image credit: perchance.org
The fallout from Britain's political car crash is being discussed across the globe, and in the light of a shock new development, nowhere more keenly than around the windswept alfresco dining table at Southfork Ranch in Texas.
In a sensational move, Sue Ellen Ewing has told reporters she will be throwing her 10-gallon Stetson into the ring and is confident of garnering enough support among parliamentary party. "In fact, more than enough" to win her the keys to No.10 in the forthcoming Tory leadership election.
Speaking as she left the weekly Oil Baron's Ball she said: 'Why, shucks. This ole race is already run and won. Put your shirts and Kalvin Kleins on me boys.'
And it just might come to pass, because on hearing the news, online bookmaker Paddy Power, has now installed the 60s something glamour gal as front-runner.
However, some members of the party are arguing as she is not currently an MP she can't enter the race. But the men in suits, who meet Monday, are believed by many to be contemplating a sensational snap rule change that will allow Sue Ellen to run.
Meanwhile Mrs Ewing's estranged husband, the Machiavellian JR, poured cold water on the idea. 'Now just you tell me this, boy. How in the heck can she do that? She's a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother. That's what my Daddy said 'fore he died.'
On hearing Mr Ewing's remarks, one unnamed backbencher commented: 'Gosh, actually, you know with a CV like that, I'd say she'd fit right in.'
First published 10 Jul 2022
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If the world is a junkie, its dealer would be the oil companies.
When the junkie tries to get clean, the dealer is there: 'Oh you don't want to do that. Too difficult. The technology isn't there yet. No point with China and India still using. Recycle your coffee cups. That's right. Now I've got some new Saudi stuff, top of the line, sort you right out.'
'Those nasty Just Stop Oil protesters, stopping you getting your fix. It's the 3rd world that will suffer most, so we can ignore that. Besides, if you're rich when humanity finally burns, then you have won the global race! Congratulations! Also your carbon based bodies are already forming the basis for future oil company profits and shareholder dividends.'
'Hakuna metata - it means no worries for the rest of your days. Even though there might not be that many of them. It's the circle. The circle of life.'
Image: Schmucki - Pixabay
