Civil Service reels as higher level apprenticeships are scrapped

The Civil Service is horrified that the government has scrapped funding for higher level apprenticeships and for older apprentices.

A spokesman said, ‘The Civil Service has an excellent record of delivering apprenticeship places. Everyone in HR is doing an apprenticeship. The government is funding their MA courses and their PhD’s that are essential in getting them well paid jobs in the private sector.   Without the apprenticeship scheme, all these stupid old duffers won’t get any qualifications, and they will just hang around and block promotion for younger staff.

‘All professional functions will be affected – procurement, facilities management, organisational development, finance, talent management, equality and disability officers, LGBTQ+ champions, records management, and communications experts – all the critical back office functions that keep the Civil Service show on the road. This is a tremendous blow.  Without the apprenticeships to keep them busy, these people will be back in the office thinking up new and stupider ways to bugger up the Civil Service.

‘Thankfully, policy work is not affected.  All our policy staff are essentially untrained, including those with degrees in PPE from Oxford University.   They have always argued that their lived experience from the University of Hardly Any Knocks is the best training for thinking up dim-witted policies for their ministers. 

'So, going forward in the new world without funding for apprentices, policymaking will continue to be done by shadowy think tanks, and the civil servants will continue to present this work as their own.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Boat Race won by crew that rowed faster

Rowing eight, AI generated picture showing a boat with seven rowers and no cox. Sigh.

For the 170th year in a row, the Oxford-Cambridge boat race has been won by the crew that rowed faster than the other one. 

The two boats started off level, as is traditional, but as soon as the starting gun went off and the rowers started rowing, it was clear that one of the boats was moving faster than the other. As a result, it reached the finish line sooner and was judged to have won.

'Yup, really happy about that,' said Toby Jeremy of the winning crew. 'Our plan had always been to row faster than the other crew, and in the event we did, which is why we won.'

'Very disappointing,' admitted Jeremy Toby of the losing boat. 'We also had intended to row faster than them - in fact, we did a great deal of training in the hope of ensuring that would be the case. But it seems they trained in a similar manner, and in the end rowed faster than us.'

Meanwhile, a number of physicists, at these two universities and others, declared they had always believed that an object travelling at a fast speed between two points would cover the distance more quickly than one moving at a slower speed.

'Yes, I’d say we were pretty certain about that. All the same, it’s nice to have it confirmed.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Government defends Reeves' claim she walked on the Moon

"Rachel is a key member of Labour's team who has got Britain's economy booming again with her masterfully shrewd Budget measures," lied a Downing Street spokesman.

"She has stated that she used to be an economist at HBOS and we are telling you that there is no reason at all to doubt that, just because it's untrue.

"And we forbid you to disbelieve Ms Reeves when she says she took a trip the Moon in her gap year and strolled around on its surface, planting daffodils.

"OK, it's a bit of a stretch - but compared to the fibs we all had to tell on Boris Johnson's behalf, it's pretty much gospel truth."

Rachel Reeves got a second-class degree from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy and Being Economical with the Truth. She then worked as a mediocrity in the financial sector and now serves Britain by driving farms and small businesses into bankruptcy.

image from pixabay

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