Britain to be matt-finished by 2035

PM Sir Keir Starmer has reiterated his commitment to have nothing shiny left in Britain within the next decade. In a statement today the prime minister doubled-down on his manifesto pledge to eradicate all sparkliness and glitz from the nation.

A spokesperson for the PM, commented: “The PM firmly believes the ten-year target of matt-finishing Britain is achievable. He’s pleased with the progress so far in the areas of domestic window frames and drug dealers’ cars, and hopes these seismic shifts in exterior finishes will have a knock-on effect in dulling-down the appearance of Britain for future generations.”

Supporters of the proposals include manufacturers of paint, who welcomed the commitment, stating that although gloss paint looks nice, matt emulsion was cheaper to produce and less harmful when consumed by children.

Not everyone shares the PM’s fuzzy vision; uproar was felt within the pearly community, with the king and queen of the kings and queens suggesting that they’d look ridiculous with little circles of denim or tweed sewn on to their suits.

image from pixabay

No more colours left, admit paint manufacturers

Paint companies have admitted that they have now run out of variations of colours to sell to customers, after mixing every shade imaginable over recent years.

'Its official, there are just no more colours left for us to market ', said Mike McBride, Chief Mixologist at Prestige Paints. 'We've done the lot. Californian Sun - tick. Goosefeather grey - tick. Sweet Embrace, Rock Salt, White Mist, Hot Mess, Cold Foot, Frozen Peas - all done.  

'We've been through all that post-modern, ironic, Farrow and Ball style labelling - Mid 70s Dog-Turd White, Leeds United Third Kit Pink, Second-Week Scorched Wimbledon Tennis Court Brown, Warm Sensation Tricking Down Your Leg Yellow, Posh Tory Boy Blue etc, but customers have finally got wise to the fact that they're all essentially variations on a very straightforward theme.'   

'We've going back to basics', admitted McBride. 'From now on there'll just be 7 colours of paint available, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Just light and dark versions of each. Ok, ok, plus battleship grey and magnolia - we'll allow them. Yes, all right, you'll still be able to get eggshell too.'. 

'These are exciting times ahead', gushed interior designer Angelo Da Costa on hearing the news. 'Returning to the 7 colours visible to the human eye along the optical spectrum, with each colour corresponding  to a specific wavelength of light, is just so on trend for 2024. Matching any of these with a feature wall of Barbie Pink, Slightly-Out-of-Date Milk, or Turtles Head will transform any dull living-room overnight'. 

Paint Colour - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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