Paint companies have admitted that they have now run out of variations of colours to sell to customers, after mixing every shade imaginable over recent years.
'Its official, there are just no more colours left for us to market ', said Mike McBride, Chief Mixologist at Prestige Paints. 'We've done the lot. Californian Sun - tick. Goosefeather grey - tick. Sweet Embrace, Rock Salt, White Mist, Hot Mess, Cold Foot, Frozen Peas - all done.
'We've been through all that post-modern, ironic, Farrow and Ball style labelling - Mid 70s Dog-Turd White, Leeds United Third Kit Pink, Second-Week Scorched Wimbledon Tennis Court Brown, Warm Sensation Tricking Down Your Leg Yellow, Posh Tory Boy Blue etc, but customers have finally got wise to the fact that they're all essentially variations on a very straightforward theme.'
'We've going back to basics', admitted McBride. 'From now on there'll just be 7 colours of paint available, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Just light and dark versions of each. Ok, ok, plus battleship grey and magnolia - we'll allow them. Yes, all right, you'll still be able to get eggshell too.'.
'These are exciting times ahead', gushed interior designer Angelo Da Costa on hearing the news. 'Returning to the 7 colours visible to the human eye along the optical spectrum, with each colour corresponding to a specific wavelength of light, is just so on trend for 2024. Matching any of these with a feature wall of Barbie Pink, Slightly-Out-of-Date Milk, or Turtles Head will transform any dull living-room overnight'.