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Israel claims they and Hamas 'were on a break'


With strikes and gunshots again heard in all across Palestine again, an Israeli spokesperson has claimed today that they and Hamas, 'were on a break.'


 'It’s all fine, we were on a break,' said Ben Bronten, an IDF official. 'We took some time out to see if we were over it all, and clearly we’re not. We both still have a lot of pent-up emotion, and that is going to come up in unexpected gunfire and missile strikes sometimes.”


He went on to point out that sometimes truces were fragile and the opposites sides would have the occasional flare-up.


'Look, sometimes passions lead to the re-blockading of aid; multiple rocket strikes on seemingly non-miltary targets; and a teensy-weensy bit of quasi invading. It’s perfectly natural. We’ll all be holding hands by November. As long as Hamas keeps their wandering eyes off those Hezbollah floozies.'



Picture credit: perchance.org

Trump’s Peace deal cedes new state for Palestine near West Bromwich


In a little known clause within the peace deal brokered by the US President Donald Trump, Palestinians have been given the right to establish a new state near West Bromwich in the East Midlands of the UK. The area, roughly taking into account Walsall, Aldridge and pretty all of Sutton Coldfield to Leicester, has been offered in the agreement seemingly to the surprise of the UK Government.


“We’re trying to establish the exact nature of the agreement and the terms offer by Mr Trump”, said a flustered UK Prime Minister Sir Kier Starmer, “but at this stage it looks like a large part of the East Midlands will now be a separate Palestinian state, independent of the UK.”


It is thought that Mr Trump had reached a delicate part of the negotiations centring around the recognition of the right to statehood for Palestinians so he put a pin in a map and told the negotiating team, “there, you guys can have a state but it has to be there”. He was pointing almost directly at Tamworth, just off the M42.


It is unknown at this stage whether the largely Hamas run authority in Gaza and the West Bank have accepted the deal but reports are reaching us that heavy doubt is cast over the obligatory requirement to support UK Championship soccer club, West Bromwich Albion.




Protestor with ‘papulation receptionists’ banner arrested by the Anagram Police


An elite squad of cryptic crossword solvers has been recruited to police Britain’s growing menace: vicars and retired accountants hellbent on supporting proscribed organisation P_________n A____n.


‘Normally they’d be solving complex yet comfortingly non-violent murders’, a police spokesman told us. ‘You know the sort of thing – Oxbridge lecturer poisoned with curare, wealthy businessman dies inside locked room – proper puzzles.


‘We got through the first wave of terror supporters fairly easily: their banners just said “I support Palestine Action” so we knew we could arrest them. Then they started getting whimsical, with stuff like: “I don’t support Palestine Inaction” – we considered consulting a lawyer, but then thought: “fuck it” and arrested them anyway. I’ve never held with lady vicars’.


Now the evil pensioners have resorted to wordplay, forcing police to put numerous cosy murder mysteries on hold while they protect the public from the imminent threat of genocide-dislikers.


‘We don’t make the law’, the spokesman said, ‘we just enforce it. Selling weapons to a genocidal regime is perfectly legal and the sooner these cardboard-wielding fanatics realise that, the better. Bastards’.




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