Hanson's MMMBop follow up, MMMPox is 'just as catchy'

Pop group Hanson have decided to follow up their 1997 mega-hit MMMBop with a more grown up sound, surprising many by moving into infectious diseases. Fans have described their new track MMMPox as 'sick' and 'ill' and 'a real killer'.

Music industry insider Rachel Rutherford said 'MMMPox is clearly very, very catchy. There was an early release in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and it's just been spreading like wildfire. People are literally dying for it. I'm sure it will break into the European markets soon - and if white people start dying for it, then the world will actually take notice.'

The band M People and the footballer Kylian Mbappe have denied any involvement with MMMPox. M People asked 'what have you done today to make you feel proud?'. Mbappe replied that recently he had scored on debut for Real Madrid and as a result won the European Super Cup but he was proudest of publicly trashing the French far right.

Elsewhere, Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst briefly stopped buying canned goods and facemasks to say 'Death is coming. A new pandemic is on its way, just a few years after governments the world over failed to learn any lessons from the last one. Put the champagne on ice and rev up those VIP procurement lanes. The Tories are ready for some serious misconduct, without any consequences, obviously.'

Hootington-Hurst broke some special glass and sounded the bugle located behind it.

'I have summoned Boris. May God have mercy on us all.'

Image: Jamie Haughton (@haughters) | Unsplash Photo Community

Cows pissed off with always taking the blame

Scientific fingers are pointed squarely at cows who are now blamed for passing Bird Flu to humans after it jumped the species gap to mammals. Angry moovers and (milk) shakers are from across the UK Bovine offender community from Jersey to the Highlands, cattle have had enough.

They have formed a union, Cows Rising Against Persecution (CRAP), and are prepared to withhold milk, a spokescow said: 'Humans must stop squeezing our tits' #me.moo.

This latest attack comes on the back of world-wide recognition of their excessive production of methane, with the addition of other plants to their diet as a possible remedy. Cows blame this on Vegan fundamentalists, who would rather cut out the middleman and go straight for the nuts, or at least nut based milk and roasts, “This methane thing is a smoke screen, a load of bull, just hot air”.

Bovines have been plagued with TB for years and had tried to pass the buck to badgers. A Friesian spokescow mooed: “We wish to maintain our place as the most popular black and white animal in the UK countryside, if you’re looking for a scape-goat, the clue is in the name, Greatest Of All Time, my farty arse”.

Tory NHS masterplan is to privately outsource to VIP-lane chums again

Bids for lucrative contracts to 'fix' the NHS are being Rishi-Dishied out to chums, just like those wondrous plans which kept everyone safe and happy during the height of the pandemic.

As the person most qualified to ensure that everything goes as swimmingly as last time, Michelle Mone has been appointed as 'Fix the NHS Tsar'.

Already, a £37 billion contract has neatly avoided the absent tendering process. It has gone to Matt Hancock's pub landlord to solve the ambulance backlog. It is a world-beating new system whereby nationally, up to 17 Deliveroo riders on backwards tricycles are put on standby to pedal emergency cases to the nearest private dentist, vet, or Holland & Barrett. Patients in distress will be neatly folded into their front delivery boxes and swiftly transported to the 'care centre' of not their choice. Unless it's uphill on a windy day.

A similarly lucrative contract to supply much needed hospital trolleys has gone to Liz Truss's brother's sister. Six second-hand dessert trolleys, a couple of mobile drinks cabinets, and a Lazy Susan have been sourced, which the nation is assured is more than enough to solve the health crisis by Thursday.

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photo: https://pixabay.com/users/darkostojanovic-638422/