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Tory NHS masterplan is to privately outsource to VIP-lane chums again

Bids for lucrative contracts to 'fix' the NHS are being Rishi-Dishied out to chums, just like those wondrous plans which kept everyone safe and happy during the height of the pandemic.

As the person most qualified to ensure that everything goes as swimmingly as last time, Michelle Mone has been appointed as 'Fix the NHS Tsar'.

Already, a £37 billion contract has neatly avoided the absent tendering process. It has gone to Matt Hancock's pub landlord to solve the ambulance backlog. It is a world-beating new system whereby nationally, up to 17 Deliveroo riders on backwards tricycles are put on standby to pedal emergency cases to the nearest private dentist, vet, or Holland & Barrett. Patients in distress will be neatly folded into their front delivery boxes and swiftly transported to the 'care centre' of not their choice. Unless it's uphill on a windy day.

A similarly lucrative contract to supply much needed hospital trolleys has gone to Liz Truss's brother's sister. Six second-hand dessert trolleys, a couple of mobile drinks cabinets, and a Lazy Susan have been sourced, which the nation is assured is more than enough to solve the health crisis by Thursday.


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