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Matt Hancock’s mate from down the pub to run the BBC



The same bloke awarded a massive £530m contract for making Covid test kits in the function hire room of his pub has hit the jackpot again by being given the entire BBC.


'It's fantastic news,' said Matt Hancock's mate and new BBC chairman, Terry White. 'To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, so it's a bit like being given the special Covid crony contract all over again. I didn't have a clue what I was doing with that, and I don't have that much experience of running a multi-million-pound corporation. Still, if it makes me a shed load of cash, who gives, right?'


'I'll probably blow a load of money on a new series of Top Gear, with yours truly, Dan who used to work at Kwik-Fit and Keith across the road who has huge sub-woofers tied to his roof rack. Viewers can rest assured that all the female news presenters and weather girls are up to scratch and wearing age-appropriate swimwear. All that serious news bollocks will be binned, along with anything 'edgy' or 'creative', and Attenborough is out on his ear. I've already awarded myself six British Academy TV awards, and now I'm looking forward to putting in a sealed bid for British Gas. Me and the wife think £25.00 should cover it.'



First published 18 Jan 2022



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Matt Hancock found living wild in ‘I’m a Celeb’ Jungle

Ever since featuring in ‘I’m a Celebrity’ last year, reports indicate that Matt Hancock never left the Australian jungle featured in the hit reality series, but is instead living as a wild mammal in the local ecosystem. Ahead of the upcoming season, the filmmakers returned to scout new filming locations when they stumbled across the former Health Secretary living wild with a colony of koalas. Speaking to press, a bewildered producer described the bizarre encounter:


‘It was a real shock to be honest with you. Our boom operator found him clinging tightly to a tree, fast asleep and half naked. He had made himself a hair-piece out of twigs and leaves which a few birds had made a nest in. We all thought he made it safely back to the UK last year, but I suppose no-one had really thought of him very much.’


After waking, he treated the film crew as a threat and is said to have uttered a noise similar to the word ‘Farage’ before scarpering off on all fours. A local Koala expert provided additional context to how Matt Hancock may have found himself here:


‘Koalas are notoriously languid creatures, preferring to sleep most of the day than engage with one another. When they are awake, they are known to dribble urine and make slow grunting noises. If Matt Hancock was to display any of this behaviour in the presence of a Koala population, they may just accept him as one of their own.’


As a result of the remarkable discovery, ITV has released plans to make Hancock’s new living conditions a post-show requirement for any politicians looking to appear on the show, beginning with Nigel Farage’s debut on Sunday.




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