Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science'

The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.

Johnson and Hancock's valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’

A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s 'doing the exact opposite' research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:

- The 'delay in taking any action whatsoever' strategy

- The 'not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy - The 'Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group' strategy - The 'let's go for herd immunity' strategy - The 'don’t bother with facemasks' strategy - The 'we’re not listening to the WHO' strategy - The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it' strategy - The 'abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown' strategy - The 'let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead' strategy

The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn't have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.

‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject', said the spokseperson. 'However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’

Image: Pixabay/Florian Pircher

First published 9 Oct 2021

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Matt Hancock is possibly the victim, not the villain

As the Covid Inquiry rolls into it's eighty-third year, give or take, Matt Hancock takes the stand for the umpteenth time.  Yes, of course he still can't find his WhatsApp messages from that period (but probably can for ten years before and every day since) and everyone is resigned to the inevitable fact that practically every billion pounds his department spent over Covid was to someone who he apparently knew or even occasionally worked for or drank a beer with or shagged.  Or possibly shagged not so occasionally.  Possibly daily, dependent on the Covid restrictions in place at the time.  Or possibly not, it is possible he inadvertently didn't follow the rules he helped shape because they kept changing and nobody told him.  Not even when he looked in the mirror.

His big success, apart from his friends' bank balances, appears to be the ring of steel he threw around care homes.  Or would have if steel was in plentiful supply, that is if he had a friend or lover or party donor who made steel.  Not that steel would have made a difference, it isn't known to have any practical benefits against Covid.  So blaming him because the ring of steel he didn't throw around the care homes is just plain silly.  And his recollection is that he didn't claim to throw a ring of steel around anything is possibly true, although he could have been talking about a cock ring, in which case it's plausible.  Because despite of all the restrictions, rules and regulations he drafted, talked about and ultimately ignored he must have needed something to keep his pecker up during that period.  So, yes, he probably did throw a ring of steel around his widge occasionally and inadvertently said 'care homes' instead of 'cock'.  Happens all the time, apparently. To victims, not villains, obviously.

https://pixabay.com/photos/burglar-criminal-thief-robber-4925202/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Matt Hancock’s mate from down the pub to run the BBC

The same bloke awarded a massive £530m contract for making Covid test kits in the function hire room of his pub has hit the jackpot again by being given the entire BBC.

'It's fantastic news,' said Matt Hancock's mate and new BBC chairman, Terry White. 'To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, so it's a bit like being given the special Covid crony contract all over again. I didn't have a clue what I was doing with that, and I don't have that much experience of running a multi-million-pound corporation. Still, if it makes me a shed load of cash, who gives, right?'

'I'll probably blow a load of money on a new series of Top Gear, with yours truly, Dan who used to work at Kwik-Fit and Keith across the road who has huge sub-woofers tied to his roof rack. Viewers can rest assured that all the female news presenters and weather girls are up to scratch and wearing age-appropriate swimwear. All that serious news bollocks will be binned, along with anything 'edgy' or 'creative', and Attenborough is out on his ear. I've already awarded myself six British Academy TV awards, and now I'm looking forward to putting in a sealed bid for British Gas. Me and the wife think £25.00 should cover it.'

Barman Green Drinks - Free photo on Pixabay

First published 18 Jan 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins