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Public demands more honours returned

Now that Paula Vennells has agreed to return her CBE, the public has got the bit between its teeth.

'There are loads of honours that aren't deserved, just handed out like sweeties to their mates,' said a public who asked not to be named.  'We've got what we wanted from Paula Vennells. Now we want all the useless twats that got honours from Liz Truss to hand those back too - in recognition of the pain and distress caused by Liz Truss and reign of error. I mean, terror. No, actually, error works fine.'


'The list is just embarrassing.  Three life peerages, a KBE and two DBEs, two CBEs, two OBEs and an MBE. That's just mad.  The only one that looks sensible in the whole damn lot is the DBE for Shirley Conran, for founding the Maths Anxiety Trust.  That's as close to an apology as we are going to get from Liz Truss.'




Stamp-ing out Post Office injustice

After buying some Post-its from cashier number 4 please, Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst attempted to clarify the Government's position on the Post Office's Horizon IT scandal:


'As a rule, the Conservative Party is all about ruining people's lives, and we certainly couldn't care less if the wrong people are in jail. Actually, this scandal was briefly mistaken for government policy. However, now that there has been a sympathetic ITV drama, we must be seen to pretend to care.'


'In fact, Rishi Sunak is keen to keep the name of former Post Office chief executive Paula Vennells in the news, as she's one of the few people in the UK now more unpopular than he is. To "punish" her, we will take the CBE away from the CEO. Taking away that valueless trinket ought to really show we mean business - it will give the victims their freedom, reputations and lives back. We won't take away her money or put her in jail though. That's for little people.' 


A Met Police statement said 'We are sorry for whichever particular miscarriage of justice this is. Not sorry enough to have investigated it thoroughly at the time or in the years later, but exactly sorry enough to look into it now that ITV have made it embarrassing that we haven't. And also done all the detective work for us.' 


Hootington-Hurst added 'Compensation is still a little way over the Horizon. Cheque's in the post.'




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