Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

How a micro-penis is micro-f*cking the climate

Clementine Carruthers from the Rupert Murdoch Institute for Denying Inconvenient Facts said, 'This graph I drew in crayon proves that Greta Thunberg is now a major source of climate change after she burned another right-wing, fact-sceptic, micro-penis owner. Also climate change is a hoax and Jeremy Clarkson's bitter, twisted misogyny is just saying what Rupert says we're all thinking. We're all sexually infuriated by much younger women who are articulate as well as attractive. Throwing shit at our own mortality isn't Freudian. Definitely not, Daddy.'

A tiny statement from the Micro-Penis Owners Association read, 'How dare YOU Andrew Tate, we have enough problems! The platinum memberships of Tate, plus Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan are hereby downgraded. Not revoked because, after all, Andrew Tate has a micro-penis, Jeremy Clarkson is imperceptibly priapic and Piers Morgan is smoother than a sweaty Ken doll down there.'

NASA to prevent Earth colliding with second Trump Presidency

Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'

The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.

'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'