Hanging chads and an ear miss

The Milky Way

Vega Edition

Sunday, 8th August 2027

still only V$35,000

We lament the passing of our near neighbours of Earth. It is by fine margins that civilisations fall and worlds collapse. Not so much a democratic planet, as one ruled in part by a leader of their 'free' world, yet elected by only one nation of many.

In the Earth Year 2000, a vote recount in the State of Florida saw great debate over whether hanging, fat, and pregnant 'chads' should be counted on punched ballot cards. Dubious inconsistency in that thinking, coupled with dubious inconsistency in what amounts to a 'popular vote', allowed a candidate by the name of Bush to slip past another called Gore into the Presidency of America by the narrowest of margins. The outcome was that a 'drill it 'n pump it' mentality to their planetary rock prevailed, rather than a 'let's look after our only home' attitude.

24 Earth Years later, a bullet grazed the ear of a reckless destroyer and the fate of humans was sealed. Indeed, the disappearance of all life turned the once blue-green globe to the orange-brown ball of fire we gaze upon this night with great pity.

Such beauty lost to such ugly mismanagement. RIP, dear Earth.

Picture credit: The Milky Way, Vega Editon. And Wix AI.

Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

How a micro-penis is micro-f*cking the climate

Clementine Carruthers from the Rupert Murdoch Institute for Denying Inconvenient Facts said, 'This graph I drew in crayon proves that Greta Thunberg is now a major source of climate change after she burned another right-wing, fact-sceptic, micro-penis owner. Also climate change is a hoax and Jeremy Clarkson's bitter, twisted misogyny is just saying what Rupert says we're all thinking. We're all sexually infuriated by much younger women who are articulate as well as attractive. Throwing shit at our own mortality isn't Freudian. Definitely not, Daddy.'

A tiny statement from the Micro-Penis Owners Association read, 'How dare YOU Andrew Tate, we have enough problems! The platinum memberships of Tate, plus Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan are hereby downgraded. Not revoked because, after all, Andrew Tate has a micro-penis, Jeremy Clarkson is imperceptibly priapic and Piers Morgan is smoother than a sweaty Ken doll down there.'