PM to ban windmill cars

Rolling back in his pledge to phase out our reliance on petrol, Mr. Sunak said he would halt the manufacture of vehicles that ran on tidal power and fairy tears. Electric cars were unfeasible, as they relied too heavily on trance music, the migratory pattern of wild geese, and jam.

A spokeswoman said: 'There's no way electric cars can work, how can you get that many hamsters to spin the wheels? Also, how would you get your light switch to reach that far, hmmm?'

The only reliable fuel is dinosaur juice, anything else is the work of communists and unicycle manufacturers. 'If you ask me we should have got rid of the Shire horse. Oil may be sticky and unpleasant, but only electricity is Satan's jizz.'

Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM

The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.

A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’

Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.

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Rishi Sunak refuses to say whether he lives in a big house

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has repeatedly refused to say whether he lives in a big house or not.

The multi millionaire PM told the BBC’s Larry Knutsberg that his living arrangements were a private concern and not really relevant to his ability to deal with the cost of living crisis.

Rumours that Sunak lives in a big house in the country with a nice garden, a patio and a gravel drive have been circulating around Westminster for several weeks now but the PM did nothing to quash those rumours, insisting it was nothing but media tittle-tattle.

Mr.Sunak also refused to tell Knutsberg whether he knew other multi millionaires like him or say whether he had ever been to Butlins on a fortnight’s holiday.

‘Rishi Sunak is the richest Prime Minister the UK has ever had…. we think it is important to know whether he lives in a big house or not,’ said Knutsberg. ‘We appreciate it’s unlikely he lives in a council house or assisted accommodation but unless he comes out publicly and let’s us all know one way or the other the rumours will persist.

'There are over 1.5 million people on the social housing waiting list….the public need to know whether he is one of them or not’.

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