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The Nigel Farage Party, sometimes known as Reform, previously The Brexit Party, and before that UKIP, is solely represented by its main character, Nigel Farage.


In all of today’s interviews, he stated with clear vagueness how he, and to a lesser extent the rest of the party, would do everything better for less money. The Faragester was readily available for every media opportunity, including ones for other parties. The Head of the Reform Communications Team, Mr Farage, was also doing the rounds this morning, answering questions that interviewers were clearly not asking him.


The Director of the NFP Media Team, Big Nige, handled the radio work and the Vice President of Public Relations, who is the son of Guy Justus Oscar Farage, pulled an all-nighter on Russia Today.


Even after hours and hours of statements, speeches and conversations by the one single entity formerly known as the Reform Party, not much was actually said. Mainly 'Labour Bad, Tories failed, that thing that Labour messed up, we wouldn’t have done that…..skip to the end… only I can fix it.'


Reporters did manage to find a lone ex-Reform MP, a weaker one who had strayed too far from the group, and were about to question them on some of their early social media posts when the dominant male appeared and broke up the attack with a sharply snarled 'Allow me to finish…'



Picture credit: Stable Diffusion


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Dave (not his real name) is a Conservative MP. He told NewsBiscuit about the terrors of being sent “over the top” onto Question Time: ‘It’s horrific. You’ve got ten, maybe twelve backbenchers who owe favours or we’re in the shit for something – usually sexual. It’s like the First World War trenches, only with bigger rats.


‘The whips are right bastards. There’s one, I can’t think of him without shuddering, he just walks down the line making eye contact until you lower your eyes. Then you feel a hand on your shoulder and it’s your turn’.


Jenny (not her real name) is a junior minister: ‘They make you face the public. The actual public. Even from twenty, thirty feet away they smell. Not as bad as the rivers, obvs, but it’s still horrid. Who’d have thought people would be so upset about a bit of shit being pumped into their rivers 850 times a day?’


As soon as Question Time ends the Conservative cannon fodder is whisked away to a treatment centre. An undercover journalist working for NewsBiscuit infiltrated the centre posing as a care worker. What she saw was heartbreaking. ‘There was this old chap, must have been respectable once, just rocking back and forth, rubbing his knees and crying silently. Tears streaming down his face but no sound emerging. It was chilling.


‘Those are referred to as ‘the wets’. Don’t know why. There’s a separate wing – Darwin - where the others hang out. That’s party central – booze, drugs, music. The ones who can hack it, who actually enjoy the abuse – they’re the future of the Party. They’re assessed by psychiatrists and if they score high in the psychopath tests they’re promoted at the next reshuffle. God knows what the party will be like after a few more rounds of Darwinism’.


Charles Darwin was unavailable for comment. He’s dead, apparently. Wet.



First published 14 May 2023



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The following briefing on the United Kingdom has been produced by generative AI and cross-checked with degenerative AI.   This technology is experimental.


The United Kingdom is an island nation in Northern Europe.   It has a diverse population because of an ancient habit of colonising other countries.   Mathematicians have proved that its coastline is infinitely long.


The UK has a royal family of German origin who own most of the wind farms and all of the sea and all of the swans.  In olden times, members of the royal family burnt cakes.   These days, they are more like to burn their reputations.


The land used to be owned by the gentry, but these days it is owned mostly by the National Trust, a charity devoted to banning fox hunting, and by shadowy offshore companies owned by shadowy oligarchs. Talking about property prices is a national obsession.


Military - once mighty, but now in a poor state.


Education – once mighty, but now in a poor state.


Mineral wealth – the principle raw material available in the UK is recyclate – glass, plastic, newspapers, and nuclear waste. No value is extracted from these raw materials as they are sent to other countries for processing. The UK used to have a coal industry until the mining unions and Margaret Thatcher conspired together to bugger it up. The UK has huge deposits of shale oil, but is too wimpy to extract them. The UK used to have an oil industry until it was closed down because of climate change. Talking about the environment and climate change are national obsessions.


Transport – most of the important roads were built by the Romans, but they have not been well maintained since. Talking about potholes is a national obsession.


Environment – the country is temperate, with changeable weather. The inhabitants are largely intemperate. Talking about weather is a national obsession.


Sport – the country claims to have invented football (soccer), rugby, darts and football hooliganism.  And golf, croquet, bar billiards, Subbuteo and Scrabble.  It is a source of national shame that the national soccer team hasn’t won anything worth having since 1966.  Talking about football is a national obsession.  Everyone claims to understand the offside rule, but nobody really does.  The authoritative explanation is on a 50p coin and there is never one around when you need it.


Diet – the UK claims to have invented bread, beer, fish and chips, crisps, tea, and deep-fried Mars bars.  All of these claims are false. The culinary history of the UK is best described as stodgy. Talking about beer is a national obsession.


Politics – there is an awful lot of this in the UK, but none of it is any good.  Once mighty, but now in a poor state.



Image by Elias from Pixabay

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