Satan shocked by Post Office actions

Satan, the Chair and Chief Executive of Hell, is shocked by the Post Office’s actions in prosecuting sub-postmasters and expressed sympathy with victims of the scandal and their families. 

He says that he originally believed that the British Post Office was managing the prosecutions ‘competently and honestly’. Over time, however, it became clear that they had ‘cocked it all up, big time’.

The Prince of Darkness sent us the following statement from his hotmail account.

‘I am shocked by the Post Office's actions in prosecuting so many innocent people. It is right that there is a public inquiry to investigate and I hope that their report will add to my limited understanding of what has happened.

‘When people pass on, I do get first dibs on anyone who has been to prison, or has a criminal conviction. I’ve been sent a number of sub-postmasters on this basis, but frankly, they have wasted my time. They were all good, kind and well meaning people – pillars of their community – and exactly the sort of folk that make me feel physically ill. There’s no way that I can let them into Hell. They would be a total buzz kill. I sent them all upstairs.'

Image: Photo by Vitaliy Shevchenko on Unsplash

Post Office unveils flawless new computer system

Newsbiscuit has been sent a selection of computer-generated letters created by the Post Office's "new and improved" computer system - Horror-izon.

Dear customer,

This is a message from Horror-izon, the Post Office's new, improved, totally glitch-free computer system.

Last Thursday, you picked up your weekly pension at the village post office in St Vennells the Holy Innocent. Horror-izon's records show that we gave you £1,000 too much. Repay us £4,521 immediately, you frail, defenceless pensioner, or die in jail.

We have charged you £20,000 for this letter.

Dear customer,

Horror-izon says you bought 62,500 stamps last week to put on a postcard you sent while on a day trip to Charmouth, but that you only paid for one of them. Pay us the difference immediately or our Post Office investigators will summarily execute you at your kitchen table.

You think we're joking, don't you?

You have been charged £21 million for this letter.

Dear customer,

Horror-izon believes you to be a tanning salon on the outskirts of Slough. Pay us £200 million in business rates or we will demolish you with gelignite and bulldoze the rubble.

Blip.

And Horror-izon has just informed us that it considers itself to be a tiny, green alien piloting the asteroid Beppu through the Kuiper Belt towards Mars.

Blip. Blip.

You have been charged £20bn Klyborgian zlotygas for these underpants.

Blip. Blip. Blip.

Computer rebooting ... Computer rebooting... system malfunction...

Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash

Latest advice to Sub postmasters - Don't all get on the same plane together

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