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Police to be given powers to make up emergency laws on the fly

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The UK Government have confirmed that Police are to be given new powers to make up emergency laws on fly should situations require them.


“Too long have UK Law Enforcement had to suffer the indignity of constant scrutiny and retrospective analysis”, said Chief Constable Wonchingthorpe, head of the Police Union, “with these new powers we hope to set aside this culture of blame against our boys and girls in blue and enter a new era of trust and no further questioning.”


It is unclear the extent of these new powers but this could extend to many areas of life. For example, the Police can know stop and detain you for possessing, with intent to wear, bad trainers; distributing out of date memes; looking a bit rioty; tutting in a built up area; and unnecessary inflationary pricing of baked goods (sweet and savoury).


The powers are far reaching as our reporter found out by being arrested for having a sarcastic, moany tone of voice.




‘Short Man’ energy to be harnessed by National Grid

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Scientists at the University of Padgate claim to have discovered a new energy source.


‘Short men fizz with this dark, somewhat chaotic energy’, said Dr Mathison. ‘Using supercooled niobium we have been able to build a superconducting, supermagnetic torus which traps the energy given off by men below average height. The hardest part is luring them within the forcefield. We use pies for that.’


Jo, 58, is married to one of the original test subjects. ‘That first time in the Torus was a revelation’, she told NewsBiscuit. ‘Jim came out very chill. The scientists experimented on him pretty cruelly – they hid his beer, introduced a bluebottle into the room and switched the dishwasher around so the big plates were where the small ones should be, that sort of thing. He didn’t explode once. Plus the energy generated was enough to run the tumble dryer. It wasn’t a good drying day’.


Dr Mathison designed the so-called Temper Torus to avoid having to do his share of marking, though it turns out to actually be useful. His claims have been challenged by other scientists – Professor Pauline at the University of Chicago has Patent Pending on the Perimenopause Torus, an almost identical design which uses gin instead of pies, and Pixar have hinted that this whole article is just a rip-off of the plot of Monsters, Inc.


We asked Dr Mathison for comment. ‘Well, as long as it gets me out of marking . . . you’re not recording this, are you? Oh. I’m more concerned about opposition to alternative energy sources from the far-right, given that they’re funded by fossil fuel companies. It’s ironic – I took a meter down to the last Tommy Robinson march and the Short Man energy was off the scale – that march could have powered Britain for a decade’.


So there you have it. Scientists might finally have found a use for Tommy Robinson.



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