Trump's rotten center to close for renovations

The dark, foul pit right at the centre of Donald Trump's being will be closed over the coming week for an upgrade, according to the US federal administration.

'Trump's soul, if you can call it that, has been almost totally twisted and tarnished by decades of scheming, self-dealing and skulduggery in his business and political lives,' one of his White House handlers told the press, and some priests trying to conduct to an exorcism.

'But however depraved he has become in his mind and spirit, his followers expect better. That's why we'll be closing Trump's demented psyche down for a week for refurbishment, while his body lies comatose in an open coffin.

'When he arises from the dead at night, he will be even more outrageously venal, vengeful and vulgar than ever before.

'In the meantime, you'll have to be content with the almost equally obnoxious words and behaviour of JD Vance and Robert 'Disgrace to his Family Name' Kennedy.

'And can somebody get those priests out of here! They'll ruin everything!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Priest strike to delay processing of forgiveness of sins

Threatened industrial action by some 400,000 catholic priests worldwide is set to begin this Sunday, on the feast of the holy labourer. Guilt ridden catholic nations, set to endure the worst effects of the strikes, are bracing themselves for public waves of entrenched doubt and regret.

The strike action has been called by priests angry at the papacy's ban on clergy taking work as freelance spiritualists. Priests subsidise their modest incomes moonlighting as jack-of-all religions in cult ridden minority communities, officiating at voodoo wedding ceremonies, and performing mass online tarot readings. Elsewhere, in godless modern Britain, they serve part time as totems of the standin religions, appearing as mascots at Championship level English football sides or judges on Strictly.

Now Rome has had enough. 'Haec nos pigra c*nts satis,' said a prelate in the Vatican, insisting priest pay rates suffice. Papish stubbornness, it seems, will not ease church discord, however. 'I shall be picketing the cathedral this Sunday,' warned an angry priest. 'I see it as an article of faith, indeed a divine obligation -should there be any- to clump any scabs.'

Police, fearful of a minority of violent clergy, have threatened to arrest those who tweet about Southport. Meanwhile to find similar examples of industrial action, you must search back to the Church of England strikes during the early Thatcher years. At the time, no one noticed.

Image: Pixabay/aszak

Priest sacked over his "lack of humility" blames his altar ego

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