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Dear Aunty Newsbiscuit


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Dear Aunty NewsBiscuit,


I am a prime minister of what was once a globally respected nation (although I hope you'll understand when I say I'd rather remain anonymous for now). We were perceived as the cradle of democracy and a shining beacon of truth and justice everywhere.


But the thing is, I'm now rather fed up with being seen as a compulsive liar, a risible moron and a bumbling buffoon by virtually everyone on the planet. Many are suggesting that under my tenure, the country's reputation has been absolutely trashed into the dirt. Indeed it is my understanding that even amoeba actually hold this somewhat low opinion of me too.


But, you know, it gets a chap down when he's trying his level best to do right by the country. It's as if I am not appreciated at all. So okay, chaps tell me stuff, but what with one thing and another, pressures of not being found out and so on, I go and forget what it was they told me. I mean I'm only human. Selective memory recall affects most from time to time, although I would concede fewer every single time.


But anyway, my question is this. Do you think it might help were I to smarten myself up a bit, get a new haircut, stop being a feckless oaf and perhaps begin to tell the truth once in a while?


Regards Horace Jobson


Ha Ha! (with such a clever alias you'll never know who I am)


First published 6 July 2022



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NHS surgeon fails to remove malignant tumour from Downing St


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An NHS spokesman admitted today that treatment to remove an unsightly and embarrassing growth in Downing Street had been unsuccessful.


"This swelling is an unusual condition. It shares characteristics with a useless organ with no discernable purpose, such as an appendix, as well as a tumour which blocks and obstructs the proper function of all other tissues. In spite of the many problems associated with it, the patient, a Mr. U. Kaye, does not experience direct discomfort. Indeed, the growth itself appears to be completely devoid of all feeling.


"Overall, the body will continue to experience many adverse symptoms until the useless lump of gristle is removed. These include headaches, raging inflation, unsteadiness of economy, and an exaggerated allergic reaction to all foreign bodies.


"The primary discomfort for the patient stems from the location of the tumour. Unfortunately it is likely to remain a complete pain in the arse for the foreseeable future."



First published 21 June 2022



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They think it’s been legalised... it has now


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Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst has been incredibly busy, collating the list of illegal things Boris Johnson has done, so that they can all be legalised.


'It's been hard work, but nowhere near as Torylicious as discussing with the PM the crimes he will commit in the future so we can legalise them ahead of time. It's like a reverse "Minority Report". Let me tell you, he has some wide ranging criminal appetites, some of them eye-wateringly sexual. I had to Google some of it, so I’m probably on a register now. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and occasionally vomiting on the walls, but not because of the booze this time.'


It is now illegal to be Keir Starmer whilst the only form of photo ID now acceptable for voting is a Conservative Party membership card. Burglary is legal if your MP is Labour whilst in Tory constituencies you can get various household items absolutely free, albeit second hand and with no receipts. Liberal Democrats can now be hunted with hounds, whilst an invasion of Scotland gets the green light, though to save money this will consist of seizing the - already English - town of Berwick-upon-Tweed and declaring total victory.


BoJo meanwhile has been preparing for the next Downing Street karaoke bash, busting out some Rasta sounds to perform a raunchy version of Shaggy's 'It wasn't me'. Hootington-Hurst noted 'His Jamaican lilt is, if anything, more racist than you imagine.'



First published 1 June 2022



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