Dominic Raab admits feeding a potential acid attacker to his pigs

Dominic Raab has revealed what he did with the body of someone who threatened to attack him.

The Deputy Prime Minister claims he received three “threats to life and limb” that have resulted in pre-emptive attacks launched by himself or with the help of Scotland Yard.

Raab told reporters, “I received very specific information about a planned acid attack. and so I decided to stake out the address of the suspect – a normal, respectable family man with three children, now orphans.”

“The threats were made to me personally and were quite graphic in their detail. He wasn’t so fucking cocky when I started smashing his door down with an axe.”

Raab then detailed how he abducted the individual with his trademark sneer before escorting him to his two-hundred acre Surrey estate.

Raab continued, “I don’t know whether you’ve ever tried to dispose of human remains, but pigs are terribly efficient at devouring what’s left of a terrorist after he’s been through a Biojack 300E – a machine primarily used for shredding timber.”

“Anyway, that’s where my twin porkers Hamble and Jemimah really came into their own.”

He added, “Anyone who’s ever taken lunch with Priti Patel in the Commons canteen will know what I’m talking about.”

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Priti Patel welcomes opportunity to deport people on Christmas day

The government's temporary visa plan has been welcomed by the Home Secretary, it has been reported.

A spokesperson for Ms Patel explained; "Her instinct is to keep all foreigners out of Britain - she still remembers the look on her parents' faces when the border police escorted them to the the airport - so she was cautious about the temporary visa scheme when she first heard about it. But when they told her the visa expires on Christmas Eve, she had a vision of of festive police vans arriving outside people's homes on Christmas morning that gave her a smile she hasn't lost yet."

Image: Pixabay/karosieben

Priti Patel - the face that sank a thousand ships

Boats in the English Channel carrying refugees can now be turned around on the whim of Home Secretary and third rate Bond villain Priti Patel, who is said to have bought an evil white cat to celebrate.

One junior Home Office flunky twitched nervously as they whispered: ‘She might use the power of her smirk to summon up high winds and favourable tides for washing the refugee rafts back to the French coast. There’s another theory that she wants to use the new Royal Yacht so that she can sink their dinghies of despair, literally in her wake, all whilst sipping champagne on the deck and wearing a fleece with her name on.’

French officials say Britain would be breaking international maritime law, but have in turn been criticised for expecting the Tories to abide by any law that doesn’t pander to their base or directly enrich their friends and colleagues.