Priti Patel welcomes opportunity to deport people on Christmas day

The government's temporary visa plan has been welcomed by the Home Secretary, it has been reported.

A spokesperson for Ms Patel explained; "Her instinct is to keep all foreigners out of Britain - she still remembers the look on her parents' faces when the border police escorted them to the the airport - so she was cautious about the temporary visa scheme when she first heard about it. But when they told her the visa expires on Christmas Eve, she had a vision of of festive police vans arriving outside people's homes on Christmas morning that gave her a smile she hasn't lost yet."

Image: Pixabay/karosieben

Priti Patel - the face that sank a thousand ships

Boats in the English Channel carrying refugees can now be turned around on the whim of Home Secretary and third rate Bond villain Priti Patel, who is said to have bought an evil white cat to celebrate.

One junior Home Office flunky twitched nervously as they whispered: ‘She might use the power of her smirk to summon up high winds and favourable tides for washing the refugee rafts back to the French coast. There’s another theory that she wants to use the new Royal Yacht so that she can sink their dinghies of despair, literally in her wake, all whilst sipping champagne on the deck and wearing a fleece with her name on.’

French officials say Britain would be breaking international maritime law, but have in turn been criticised for expecting the Tories to abide by any law that doesn’t pander to their base or directly enrich their friends and colleagues.

‘Crime levels down for fourth consecutive month’ boasts Priti Patel

The daily number of crimes committed by people across the UK has fallen for the fourth month in a row revealed Home Secretary Priti Patel. Both petty crime and organised crime are now at their lowest level since records began.

Figures show that since emergency switchboard operators were told not to answer any incoming calls the number of reported crimes has fallen dramatically. Other initiatives have also helped in seeing crime levels fall.

Police officers have been told they must not leave the police station at any time and all squad cars must be immobilised as a precaution against attending a crime scene.

But PM Boris Johnson has urged people to remain cautious saying that despite the encouraging statistics the fight against crime is not over. The latest figures do not include the days since lockdown restrictions were lifted but the PM did not think this would make the slightest bit of difference.

‘We have asked all police officers to cover their ears and sing lalalalala very loudly. This should prevent any chance of them hearing such things as a burglar or car alarm or screams for help from a stab victim’ said the PM

By ignoring reports of criminal activity the UK is now the safest place in the world.

Not one crime has been recorded since mid July which shows our policy of putting our fingers in our ears is working.

And at no extra cost to the taxpayer.

Those who try to report crimes are “selfish” and would be barred from some future events like shopping, leaving the house or visiting loved ones.

Plans to introduce a crime passport to show that a person has not reported a crime for over seven consecutive days have been criticised by Labour who say it will lead to a two-tier justice system and would hit the poorest in society the hardest.

Boris Johnson - using a comedy umbrella as yet another another blindingly obvious distraction technique - simply raised his thumbs and smirked.