Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/piro4d-2707530/

Outcry as government to send refugees to Huddersfield

There has been widespread criticism of a new policy announced by Home Secretary and functioning sociopath Priti Patel to send refugees to Huddersfield for "processing" to see if they are eligible, if they aren't they are returned to the warzone where they came from, if they're unlucky they get to live in Huddersfield.

"This is a sensible policy.", explained Ms Patel, "I remember the looks on my parents' faces when I sent them to the Bileretch Retirement Home in Huddersfield, and that made me think that if one thing will deter refugees, it's Huddersfield."

Really, Boris? Really!