Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others

However hard the government bends over backwards to appease its core vote, a dyed in the wool true blue forever Conservative voter continues to be dissatisfied with the amount of pain being caused to those around him.

Gyles Tebbit from Surrey barked, 'This is just not good enough. I expect more. I expect more pain. I expect more suffering. I expect more wails of agony from those around me. This isn't what I didn't vote for.

'What this government needs to do is to get up off its lazy arse and get someone else to start sticking the knife in properly. I didn't not fight in World War II for this. Our Maggie had the country in absolute meltdown and all of us pummelled into submission in half the time. None of this u-turn nonsense you see today.

'I want every last foreigner kicked out. I want everyone coming over here taking our jobs and our women deported to Rwanda. And then I want every last one of our women back in their kitchens making babies. I want the kids of today rid of once and for all. I want everyone on strike sacked. I want everyone in work sacked. I want the unions crushed. I want the NHS dismantled. I want all those meddling greenies locked up. I want the poor taxed out of existence. I want the welfare state pulverised. I want the economy destroyed. I want full on hard red, white and blue Brexit done properly from the start. And bring back mandatory hanging for everyone.'

Now clear off. I'm a very busy and important man who needs to get into my German SUV, race to my local Italian, knock back a few French reds, call my Greek tax accountant from my Dutch mobile, and then fly to my second home in Spain.'

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Image: Tumisu | Pixabay

Prescott to offer free tooth extractions

Former deputy Prime Minister John 'Two Jabs' Prescott has offered to help reduce dire NHS Dentist waiting lists using his highly effective, no-nonsense procedure of punching voters squarely in the mush.

The erstwhile Labour heavyweight's offer comes at a time when only one in 10 NHS dental practices in UK are taking new patients for treatment under the health service, although nine out of 10 do still recommend this publication's patented Newspaste Gum & Tonic for all your other health requirements.

'He's good for anything slightly wobbly and you won't feel a thing for five to ten minutes after he's belted you,' promised the Yorkshire Slugger's manager. 'If it's not quite so loose then you might have to egg him first, and if it's really stuck in there then we've got Eric Cantona on call, but that's better if you need a few out, to be honest'.

A spokeswoman for Opposition Leader Kier Starmer dismissed the offer as 'another slap in the face for Joe Public' whilst conceding, 'It's good to know at least some members of the Labour Party aren't afraid of a good strike, even if it's directly to the jaw of the tax payer.'

Story: Pliskin

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/tonic-pics-3001971/

Number 10 to privatise Number 4

Concerns are being raised over the government's plan to privatise the number 4.

A spokesman for the Department of Digital Ineptitude, Culture Wars, Media Suppression and Sport Bandwagon-Jumping said:

‘It’s all to do with the changing numerical landscape. 2 plus 2 is 4, but 2 times 2 is also 4. That’s typical public sector wastefulness. We’ve pretty much privatised number 10 already. Three is the magic number. Yes it is, it’s the magic number, but it’s also a big mobile phone company already. We also can't privatise 9, because 7 ate it.

‘How much do you think we could get for the number 4 made up of the spinning coloured rectangles?’

Oscar Oldroyd, who turns 4 next month and whose birthday party would be cancelled, said ‘Boris is a poo-poo head’. Oscar’s parents both nodded sadly in agreement.