CEO of Thames Water explains why it's all your fault

'Mainly people just don't want water anymore, it's a luxury item now and they just don’t need it, like houses. It’s also youths, that Gen Millennial lot, they just spend all their money on avocado flavoured A.I. H20 now. Kids just download pirate water of the deep dark web.

'Most of our money goes on fines so it is actually also the regulators’ fault. It’s also meddling and bureaucratic red tape from Brussels and the police with “Safety” rules and “please reduce the amount of floating turds in drinking water”. Political correctness gone mad.

'Water is not easy to look after, do you think this stuff just falls from the sky? It's hard this water stuff, no hold on that's just ice. You've got to get two hydrogen atoms for every oxygen one, it’s a logistical nightmare.

'Luckily there is a bright side, my bonus targets were mostly met. Like attending at least 4 meetings a month and spelling Tems Wartur correctly. Maybe I didn’t get that one this year…

'What we need is a 40% increase in our bonuses....I mean in the customers’ bills, otherwise the rivers will just be full of sewage, that would be awful wouldn't it? We have tried putting loads of holes in the pipes to let the sewage out, but it appears that made things a lot worse. To be honest, I have no idea how all this works, I was in charge of Southern Rail before this, and I raked it in there.'

Photo by S. Laiba Ali on Unsplash

Help out in the Great British Turdwatch

'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.

'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.

'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.

'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.

'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.

"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."

Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water

Yes, Thames Water is washed up and in deep water and, indeed, in deep doo-doo. All is not well. The company can’t tap investors for more money and all their funding has drained away. The company has liquidity problems and is likely to go down the drain and sink without trace. The current financial problems are weighing evian the Board, which is simply treading water. Past successes are water under the bridge and nothing can calm the waters. The well has run dry. Investors are likely to take a bath.

The company tested the waters on selling itself to an oil company, but oil and water don’t mix, despite the whole oil on troubled waters thing. The oil barons were unwilling to splash the cash and poured cold water on draining the swamp. The idea is now dead in the water.

The first rescue plan has been blown out of the water. The second rescue plan is ‘as weak as water’. The third rescue plan merely muddies the water. The fourth rescue plan is unimaginative – as dull as ditchwater. The fifth rescue plan fell between two stools. Actually, more than two. The sixth rescue plan threw the baby out with the bath water, and had to be watered down.

Politicians think the company is a right shower and have been quick to establish clear blue water between themselves and the crisis. Thames Water are intrigued at the idea that water could be both clear and blue, being more used to murky waters.

Image: 3345408 - Pixabay

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