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£175,000 donations from Private Healthcare 'normal' says Streeting


Health Secretary Wes Streeting has declared around £175,000 in donations from Private Healthcare suppliers who, co-incidentally, are in line for multi-million-pound contracts from the NHS.  A spokesman for Streeting confirmed the donations were 'normal, reasonable and probably used to buy stuff', adding, 'and there's no way any British politician would be influenced when awarding contracts by any donations'.  A straw poll of Labour cabinet ministers seemed to confirm this point of view, insisting that there was 'nothing to see here'.


Some politicians routinely accept donations, sometimes in the form of hospitality, sometimes in plain brown envelopes. 'Ornate envelopes aren't value for money,' suggested the spokesman, adding, 'and are probably more traceable.'


No envelopes, plain brown or ornate, appear to have been declared this Parliament, however as Labour are keen to point out it's only been a few weeks.  



CEO of Thames Water explains why it's all your fault



'Mainly people just don't want water anymore, it's a luxury item now and they just don’t need it, like houses. It’s also youths, that Gen Millennial lot, they just spend all their money on avocado flavoured A.I. H20 now. Kids just download pirate water of the deep dark web.


'Most of our money goes on fines so it is actually also the regulators’ fault. It’s also meddling and bureaucratic red tape from Brussels and the police with “Safety” rules and “please reduce the amount of floating turds in drinking water”. Political correctness gone mad.


'Water is not easy to look after, do you think this stuff just falls from the sky? It's hard this water stuff, no hold on that's just ice. You've got to get two hydrogen atoms for every oxygen one, it’s a logistical nightmare.


'Luckily there is a bright side, my bonus targets were mostly met. Like attending at least 4 meetings a month and spelling Tems Wartur correctly. Maybe I didn’t get that one this year…


'What we need is a 40% increase in our bonuses....I mean in the customers’ bills, otherwise the rivers will just be full of sewage, that would be awful wouldn't it? We have tried putting loads of holes in the pipes to let the sewage out, but it appears that made things a lot worse. To be honest, I have no idea how all this works, I was in charge of Southern Rail before this, and I raked it in there.'


Photo by S. Laiba Ali on Unsplash

Help out in the Great British Turdwatch




'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.


'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.


'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.


'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.


'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.


"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."

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