- ModelMaker
- 7 hours ago
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Clacton toddler, Wayne Jenkins, has been shortlisted for the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize.
Rachel Meadon has been a babysitter for Wayne and speaking from her hospital bed, Ms Meadon issued the statement, "My god, that little ****?"
FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, explained the decision. "Our first thought was to give it to Donald Trump again but in the long tradition of the peace prize, no one has received it twice. So we spread the net a bit wider and we discovered on a childcare WhatsApp group a video of a screaming toddler throwing not only his toys out of his pram but also the pram itself and we felt we'd found our man, er, child.
US ConstitutionBritain's National Lottery has unveiled a new contest based on the next power-crazed thing that comes into Donald Trump's tiny mind.
'We're playing for high stakes here,' said a spokes-scratchcard for the organisation.
'For instance, had we been playing the game last month and someone guessed that Trump would start a war with Iran, they would have scooped half a million quid.
'From now on, if you correctly guess that Trump will suspend the US constitution and make himself life president, you'll get £1 million.
'A correct prediction that he will start arresting political opponents, critical journalists and comedians who mock him will get you £2 million.
'And there's a grand prize of £5m for accurately betting Trump will carry out a nuclear strike on Iran to try and force its surrender.
'These would clearly be terrible outcomes, but rest assured that all the proceeds from this exciting game will go to good causes, such as sending food parcels to Jimmy Kimmel.
'Oh, and anyone who made a bet that Trump would threaten to bomb Iranian power plants - a straight-up war crime - gets this week's bonus prize of £75,000.
'We suggest that the lucky winner could use the prize money to build a nuclear bunker in their back garden.'
Image credit: deep dream generator
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