Kremlin issues election guidance to Tories

‘Dear Western Imperialist scum. Sorry, force of habit.

Dear Rishi Sunak. Unlike me, you might struggle to get 87% of the votes in your own house.

Have you tried imprisoning and then killing Keir Starmer? It’s not like there would be a popular uprising on his behalf. Half of his own party would offer to stick the knife in themselves. You could portray it as red on red violence and have them all sent to a hideous, desolate penal colony, like the Isle of Wight.

Ed Davey can be the minor party candidate that means you’re not technically unopposed.

Why am I helping you? Well, having the UK floundering in chaos is helpful for Moscow, so we’re big fans of yours. Please continue laundering our money, especially my pension.

Kisses, Vlad.’

Putin is known to use body doubles. so ...

Associated Press asked 'why no photo kill notice on all images of Piers Morgan?'

Millions of people around the planet are somewhat dumbfounded by the media's choices of which snaps have something so heinously wrong with them that they need to be retracted, when others are apparently perfectly fine. Of all the photos in the world, a kill notice on one of a mother with her children? Really?

What about every single image of 'innocent' presidential candidate Donald Trump?

Those pics of Vladimir Putin, winner of a 'free and fair' Russian election?

And there's a chap in Downing Street claiming to be Prime Minister when only a handful of chums voted him in.

'Right, Honorable' Member of Parliament, Chris Pincher, when there was a lot more touching up going on?

And what about Member of European Parliament Nigel Farage standing in front of a clearly doctored massive image of 'millions of people queuing to enter the UK' right before Brexit? That one was OK was it?

But if you ever come into possession of a photo of a £37 billion world-beating track and trace system, do let the Brits know.

Photo by Filip Mishevski on Unsplash