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Prigozhin advised to try using the A303 next time


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Yevgeny Prigozhin, Commander of the armies to the South and new This Morning presenter, has been told that the A303 is a much more scenic route.


'Taking the M4 this time of year is your classic mistake,' said self appointed adviser, uncle Clive, at a Guildford barbecue over the weekend. 'He should have taken the A31 to Bentley, cut across through the back lanes past Lasham Airfield, and hooked up with the A303 just south of Basingstoke. Putin would never have seen him coming.


'You can't beat that awesome moment when you pop up over the hill outside Amesbury and see the full glory of Stonehenge for the first time, right there so close to your good old 303.


'I know it's not the done thing, especially with such a big caravan in tow, but as long as he doesn't phone ahead, he could nip down the A360 and surprise Putin at his secret base in Salisbury.'




"Prigozhin, you pussy!" news consumer yells to himself


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"Is that it, Prigozhin, you pathetic pussy!" a consumer of online news yelled out to no one but himself on Sunday morning, throwing his device into a corner of his bedroom in dejection.


Friends of the online news consumer, who lives in Swindon, say he had been gearing himself up since the small hours of Saturday morning for what he predicted down the pub at lunchtime would be "a perfectly good civil war in Russia".


"He was doing his nut that the motorised column of Wagner mutineers had moved to within 200 kilometres of Moscow, and that the authorities were ripping up the motorway to stop their advance," continued a friend of the news consumer.


"I think it lent excitement to his rather empty, humdrum life.


"He was crushed when he learnt that Prigozhin had made a deal with Putin via the president of Belarus to go into exile, and that the rebel Wagner forces would be returning to Ukraine. He wanted a ruck.


"Now all our news consumer friend has to look forward to in his life is some miraculous breakthrough by Ukrainian forces in the Zaporizhzhia region, and for Trump to go to prison and get shivved by some ultra-violent Democrat voter in the showers."




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