The 10 stages of grief you must go through to mourn the Queen’s death

In case you hadn’t heard, Queen Elizabeth has died. Following a bereavement, it’s normal to go through five stages of grief. However, as the Queen was far more important than anyone else, you are required by law to go through at least ten stages of grief:

Denial. News that the most important person in the world has died is hard to believe, especially if you get all your news from Facebook.

Sadness. You must feel overwhelming sadness that someone you never met who didn’t know you existed has died. That’s perfectly rational.

Anger. You will be angry at God for allowing a very old woman who lived a life of extreme privilege to die peacefully surrounded by her family, in a luxurious castle. How could He be so cruel?

Guilt. You must feel guilty that you’re still alive, while someone who was so much better than you has died, you insignificant turd.

Hopelessness. You must feel that you can’t possibly go on with your pathetic life now the Queen has gone. And why should you - what have you ever done to boost UK tourism?

Regret. You must regret that you haven’t lived your life as nobly as the Queen did, who was paid vast amounts of money to live in luxury and travel the world waving at people. So what if you’re a nurse, and raise money for charity in your spare time? You should be ashamed of yourself, you oxygen thief.

Depression. Being constantly bombarded by the media with images of people in mourning will make you feel depressed. Wallow in your depression - taking Prozac is not allowed.

Confusion. Things will change now the Queen has gone, so you’ll feel confused. Rest assured that no matter which monarch is on the money, you won’t have enough to live on, especially now the government needs to fund a state funeral and a coronation.

Bargaining. You must buy as much Queen Elizabeth memorial tat as you can get your dreadfully common hands on. Don’t be tempted to buy cheap items off the market - bargaining over such important artefacts would make your love of the Queen seem less sincere. You should buy the same crap for 20 times the price from the back of TV listings magazines.

Acceptance. While mourning for the Queen, you must accept that there is now a King, who also deserves your unconditional love. Demonstrate your dog-like adoration for him by shouting ‘God save the King’, every time you see his image, and by bulk buying Duchy Original biscuits from Waitrose, even though you can only normally afford to shop at Lidl.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 12 Sep 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

How long is the queue now? Government issues common-sense units of measurement

As the queues to see the Queen lying in state get longer and longer, the government has helpfully released a series of new common-sense Units of Measurement to help people understand how long they will be shuffling along:

‘Glastonbury toilet queue’ – after 2 full days of drinking flat cider, and eating fatty burgers and chips, the Sunday morning queues for the bogs at Glastonbury are widely recognised as being ‘bastard long’. Expect similar lengths along the South Bank over the next 2 days, but with slightly less faecal matter and toilet paper swilling around on the floor.

‘Manchester Airport security queue’ – with bags having to be emptied and scanned before mourners file into Westminster Hall, the government have warned the public expect something like the length of the queues Manchester Airport Terminal 2 this August. Useful as a unit of measurement as it mentally prepares people for waits of up to 30 hours. However, please don’t ask the soldiers guarding the catafalque if there is a duty free shop anywhere nearby.

‘Harry Potter book release queue’ – for teenagers in the early 2000s, this measure invokes nostalgic images of queues miles long outside Asda when the final instalments of the Harry Potter book series were released. Lines of mourners may reach similar lengths on Sunday and Monday, say police, although they have cautioned that any Dumbledore and Hagrid costumes worn should be ‘suitably respectful’.

‘Next Boxing Day sale’ – documentation for Operation London Bridge is said to warn of worse case scenarios in which queues to the see the Monarch could be nearly as long as those at the Bluewater Next Store the day after Christmas. Using this unit of measurement may be avoided, however, in case it attracts people to the queue in anticipation of some cheap puffa jackets or oversize onesies.

‘80s dole queue’ – older mourners who were on the sharp end of tyrannical Thatcherite policies will immediately recognise this measure, as will fans of the film The Full Monty. Mourners will be politely advised not to spontaneously mimic the cast dancing in the queue to Hot Stuff as they walk past the coffin.

‘Aldi checkout queue’ – If crowds remain long on Sunday evening, the government has said it will introduce emergency measures to increase the pace of the queue, towards the levels regularly experienced by customers at Aldi checkouts. Highly trained staff from the discount supermarket will be bussed in, to ensure that up to up to 10,000 people every minute can speed through and pay their respects to the Queen.

image from pixabay

Man on walking tour of London claims it is too slow

James Butler from Bristol has complained on social media that his walking tour of London is 'just shit'. He posted on Instagram that he'd only managed to move three feet in an hour, hadn't seen a tour guide anywhere and that the whole tour was 'clearly overbooked'. He has considered breaking away from the group who he says 'seem obsessed with the Queen, surely there's more to London than that?'

'If it doesn't get moving soon I'll break off and go solo - it's not as though there's a running commentary to listen to,' he said on Instagram. He says that if he does 'go solo' then he'll take a quick peek at Buckingham Palace and 'might pop into Westminster hall - I quite like churches.'

image from pixabay