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The 10 stages of grief you must go through to mourn the Queen’s death



In case you hadn’t heard, Queen Elizabeth has died. Following a bereavement, it’s normal to go through five stages of grief. However, as the Queen was far more important than anyone else, you are required by law to go through at least ten stages of grief:


Denial. News that the most important person in the world has died is hard to believe, especially if you get all your news from Facebook.


Sadness. You must feel overwhelming sadness that someone you never met who didn’t know you existed has died. That’s perfectly rational.


Anger. You will be angry at God for allowing a very old woman who lived a life of extreme privilege to die peacefully surrounded by her family, in a luxurious castle. How could He be so cruel?


Guilt. You must feel guilty that you’re still alive, while someone who was so much better than you has died, you insignificant turd.


Hopelessness. You must feel that you can’t possibly go on with your pathetic life now the Queen has gone. And why should you - what have you ever done to boost UK tourism?


Regret. You must regret that you haven’t lived your life as nobly as the Queen did, who was paid vast amounts of money to live in luxury and travel the world waving at people. So what if you’re a nurse, and raise money for charity in your spare time? You should be ashamed of yourself, you oxygen thief.


Depression. Being constantly bombarded by the media with images of people in mourning will make you feel depressed. Wallow in your depression - taking Prozac is not allowed.


Confusion. Things will change now the Queen has gone, so you’ll feel confused. Rest assured that no matter which monarch is on the money, you won’t have enough to live on, especially now the government needs to fund a state funeral and a coronation.


Bargaining. You must buy as much Queen Elizabeth memorial tat as you can get your dreadfully common hands on. Don’t be tempted to buy cheap items off the market - bargaining over such important artefacts would make your love of the Queen seem less sincere. You should buy the same crap for 20 times the price from the back of TV listings magazines.


Acceptance. While mourning for the Queen, you must accept that there is now a King, who also deserves your unconditional love. Demonstrate your dog-like adoration for him by shouting ‘God save the King’, every time you see his image, and by bulk buying Duchy Original biscuits from Waitrose, even though you can only normally afford to shop at Lidl.


image from pixabay



First published 12 Sep 2022


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Weight of Royal medals may have caused structural damage to Buckingham Palace balcony

Weight of Royal medals may have caused structural damage to Buckingham Palace balcony, say engineers


The weight of military medals, ceremonial paraphernalia and assorted pearl necklaces could have caused serious structural damage to the balcony at Buckingham Palace warn engineers.


Workers tasked with restoring the Palace say they have came across cracks and crumbling infrastructure that have left the balcony in a dangerous condition.


‘The type of damage we found on site is typically associated with excessive weight and impact trauma….the balcony was not built to carry the sort of excessive burden put on it by the current Royal family’ said engineer Jason Beasley ‘the load bearing lintels were designed to carry a modest sized family wearing bonnets and waving silk fans….not rocking a battalion of service medals and military hardware usually seen at a victory day parade in Moscow


Add to that the amount of gold jewellery and pearl necklaces worn by Camilla and it is no wonder the balcony is in danger of collapse’, "The Royals should either take it in turns venturing out on to the balcony to wave at the crowds or scale back on the amount of medals they wear."


‘It all started with the Prince Albert….but thankfully Andrew isn’t allowed on the balcony anymore’.


image from pixabay


Trifle Bowls Horrified At Being Returned To The Back Of The Cupboard



Glass trifle bowls were delighted last month at being retrieved from the darkest recesses of the kitchen and given a good soaping with Fairy Liquid or having the new experience of a go in a dishwasher, this not having been a thing when they were last used in the early 1980s. Freed from spending their time in the dark next to the once used burger press and the pasta machine they took a look about the kitchens they found themselves in and marvelled at the largeness of fridges. What, they asked themselves, is quinoa? And brioche?


The trifle bowls were expecting to be swiftly filled with the contents of a Bird’s Trifle Kit (available in strawberry or raspberry and it takes a very refined palate to tell the difference between the red flavours), with the potential addition of some fruit cocktail if the occasion was fancy. Instead they found themselves filled with lemon Swiss roll, unfamiliar amaretti biscuits, lemon jelly, orange compote (what is a compote? They wondered), real custard, actual whipped cream and white chocolate bark. They were also surprised to be very much the centre of attention, with trifle makers competitively claiming to have spent many hours assembling them (absolutely not necessary with the Bird’s Trifle Kit). This led trifle bowls across the nation to conclude that trifle is back on the menu and to expect to appear every Sunday, like in their glory days.


Then this morning, with the platinum jubilee being over and the trifle-mania ended, the clear pudding containers were horrified at being wiped round with a commemorative tea towel and pushed to the back of the cupboard again. They sighed and felt sure that the existence of the Bird’s Chocolate Trifle Kit had been overlooked by their owners.


image from pixabay


First published 7 June 2022



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