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‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government


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‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government.


Following the Queen’s decision to honour the Duke of Edinburgh’s most loyal and trusted aides for doing the job they are paid to do, the Government has decided to make similar awards to everybody in the UK who finds themselves in gainful employment.


Government sources say that now we are no longer bound by repressive EU regulations the UK can finally give a big thank you to everybody who receives a salary or an income as a result of doing the job they are contracted to do. The awards will be across the board (not just the boardroom) and will cover all aspects of work, regardless of rank, reputation or job importance.


People in IT will receive the CVO for turning up for work while ancillary workers will be awarded the LVO for simply doing what they are expected to do. Those employed in the service sector will be made Knight Bachelors and tradesmen in the construction industry will receive the The Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George.


Sports men and women will receive The Most Nobel Order of the Garter while those self employed - such as hairdressers and door supervisors - not currently covered by the proposed honours system will automatically become dames and knights. Even sex workers (both sexes) will be recognised for the valuable contribution they make to society and will become Companions of the Order of the Bath (CB). Drag artists such as Baga Chipz and Sassi Afrika - although already ‘made up’ - will be made up even further with the much coveted Order of Merit.


‘The UK has a long history of giving idiotic awards and puffed-up titles to specially selected people to make them appear superior to the rest of us….but Brexit now means we can go one step further and give these utterly meaningless titles to everybody and make us all sound like complete and utter twats’ said witless Tory MP Piers Knightley-Gordon. ‘The next step is to give everybody an idiotic double-barrelled name just like mine.

Who wouldn’t want their plumber to be called Kevin Bates-Timpson or the girls down at the nail salon to be referred to as The Right Honourable Lady.


'It adds a touch of class'.


First published 1 April 2022




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Schrodinger's Queen is both dead and alive



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Rumours persist that the death of the Monarch is being concealed - at least until the next slow news day. These whispers have been exasperated by sightings of Prince Charles, laughing maniacally in a new frock.

The press has noted panic buying of black armbands and corgi shaped floral bouquets. The Prime Minister, himself, is said to have already block-booked all available slots of 'two minutes of silence.'

A palace spokeswoman confirmed: 'The Queen was seen alive and well at a local Pizza Express.'



First published 24 Feb 2022



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No bias against Northerners insists Buckingham palace


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Annie, a 68 year old single lady from Huddersfield has just had her twelfth rejection letter from Buckingham Palace after applying for the role of lady of the Bedchamber, 10 times under Queen Elizabeth and twice under Queen Camilla. Annie’s last two applications were requesting a position as one of the Queens Companies, a change Camilla recently made to the job.


According to Annie, although the name has been changed, she believes the duties probably remain unchanged since the 1700’s and she has been practicing carrying full and empty Piss Pots up and down the stairs of her two bedroom terrace house for the last 20 years. Recently she had a fall whilst carry the Pot when it was full to the brim, but luckily it was only carrying Orange squash which she uses for authenticity.


A lifelong Royalist, Annie previously worked as a Lolly pop lady for 30 years and had once had high hopes of one day featuring in the Honours list, an MBE or an OBE based on her year’s service and having twice saved the lives of children on her zebra crossing.


According to reports, with no regard for her own safety, Annie literally pulled the children out of the way of speeding Lorries but as Huddersfield is around 200 miles from London and Annie doesn’t write for the Daily mail, her heroism was ignored.


Recently , it was explained to her by her local MP, the powers that be have deemed it inappropriate to have Northerners at the award ceremonies, speaking funny and shoving chip butties in their gobs and generally being loud. A spokesman pointed out that the north was well represented by Prince Andrew adding, 'and look how that worked out!'






Undeterred Annie is thinking of applying for a role as Pen carrier to King Charles or Tin Opener to Wills and Kate.

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