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Glass trifle bowls were delighted last month at being retrieved from the darkest recesses of the kitchen and given a good soaping with Fairy Liquid or having the new experience of a go in a dishwasher, this not having been a thing when they were last used in the early 1980s. Freed from spending their time in the dark next to the once used burger press and the pasta machine they took a look about the kitchens they found themselves in and marvelled at the largeness of fridges. What, they asked themselves, is quinoa? And brioche?


The trifle bowls were expecting to be swiftly filled with the contents of a Bird’s Trifle Kit (available in strawberry or raspberry and it takes a very refined palate to tell the difference between the red flavours), with the potential addition of some fruit cocktail if the occasion was fancy. Instead they found themselves filled with lemon Swiss roll, unfamiliar amaretti biscuits, lemon jelly, orange compote (what is a compote? They wondered), real custard, actual whipped cream and white chocolate bark. They were also surprised to be very much the centre of attention, with trifle makers competitively claiming to have spent many hours assembling them (absolutely not necessary with the Bird’s Trifle Kit). This led trifle bowls across the nation to conclude that trifle is back on the menu and to expect to appear every Sunday, like in their glory days.


Then this morning, with the platinum jubilee being over and the trifle-mania ended, the clear pudding containers were horrified at being wiped round with a commemorative tea towel and pushed to the back of the cupboard again. They sighed and felt sure that the existence of the Bird’s Chocolate Trifle Kit had been overlooked by their owners.


image from pixabay


First published 7 June 2022



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Buckingham Palace had issued a statement saying that although the Queen had to miss the thanksgiving service for her reign, she was able to watch the service on television and joined in with the booing of Boris Johnson.


"The Queen is somewhat restricted in what official duties she can do", explained a spokesman, "But she's very clear that she can make time to kiss hands with his successor 'anytime'".



First published 5 June 2022



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A tense nation held its breath today as it waited to see whether the Colour would be successfully Trooped. But in the event it could have saved itself the worry and angst as the ceremony went ahead almost without a hitch.


Lord Chief Colonel Major General Lieutenant Brigadier Captain Colour Sergeant, Sir Rafe Tatty-Pubes, looking resplendent in his three yards of gold braid and four hundred service medals commented.


"It was a textbook trooping and carried out with aplomb and full ceremony. No one in the Royal Family put so much as a foot wrong. Not even Prince Andrew who very thoughtfully had the decency to contract Covid to help things along and remove any awkward embarrassment over a Buckingham Palace balcony appearance.


'People pour scorn on our rich tradition of pointlessly preposterous pageantry, but I say it's times like this that our Royals earn their corn. Faultless and perfect. Oh, excuse me, I've just soiled my underpants by discharging some seminal fluid.'


Meanwhile, Barry Shite, a costermonger from Billericay who's been camping out on The Mall since January 4th to ensure he got a good view said, 'I ain't got a facking pot to facking piss in. But I facking love our fantastic Queen, right? And my year ain't worth a fackin brass tack until I know that colour has been trooped. Sets the second half of the year up proper perfect, it does.'



First published 3 June 2022



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