No. 10 denies Truss was appointed SPAD in the Treasury Dept.

With the many vacillations regarding recent backpedalling involving previously leaked Treasury Department policies and plans, No.10 has been forced into making a strong rebuttal Liz Truss was brought in as a SPAD with a specific brief to advise on the upcoming Budget.

A Labour Party spokesperson said, 'Look, we understand these rumours, albeit Ms. Truss's methods were perhaps considerably better conceived than Rachel's, nevertheless, the Chancellor wishes to state categorically she takes full responsibility for this current, utter shambles herself.'

Journalists “still have no idea” what will be in budget

In a fresh wave of frenzied speculation, journalists announced today that they still have no idea what will be in Rachel Reeves’ budget next week.  

'It’s actually quite annoying,' said Quentin Hack of the Daily Heil. 'The government, as always, haven’t said in advance what they’re going to do. But somehow my editor expects frequent ‘updates’ on something that was a complete non-story in the first place.

'So let’s see… obviously public services need more money… but is an already unpopular government really going to raise taxes? Probably not… so, yeah, no idea what’s going to happen. Pretty much like Rachel Reeves herself, I suspect.'

Hack then asked if he could be moved off political news to showbiz, at which point he was immediately asked to speculate, without any information at all, about who’ll be the next actor to play Bond.

Chancellor refuses to rule out tax on pets

The Chancellor, Rachel Reeves (at the time of publication), is due to give her doom-laden budget speech at the end of the month. Journalists are desperately trying to prize information out of her about what will be in it.

Most news stories for the last month, and almost certainly for the next month, revolve around things that the Chancellor has neither ruled in, nor ruled out. As media editors demand more and more copy about budget speculation, the questions are becoming increasingly unhinged.

One media outlet suggested that the government might reintroduce a pet licence costing £20 per cat and £50 per dog. The differential charge is because cats are better at covering it up, whereas dogs incur higher street cleaning costs. This tax would have raised almost one billion pounds. The Chancellor, however, refused to confirm or deny.

Also in limbo are suggestions about reinstating George Osborne’s pasty tax and caravan tax. A tax on tarmacked over driveways – because they increase rain water run-off – cannot be confirmed or denied.

Experts say that a tax on aeroplane meals is 'pie in the sky' and also say that it’s highly unlikely that the Chancellor would impose a tax on hens’ teeth. A tax on anchovies would be hard to collect and would be in bad taste. A proposed increase in gambling tax is described as 'pure speculation' and 25-1 against.

The experts also say that a penguin tax would raise very little money in the UK, unless the Chancellor decides to target the biscuits (or are they cakes?) formerly made of chocolate.

So there you have it. The complete absence of solid facts. And lots of ill-informed speculation. But plenty of copy.

If you have any mad ideas about taxing something stupid, saucy, or outrageous, please send us a message, and we’ll write it up for tomorrow’s paper.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive