Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Reform UK has announced it would abolish foreign films with subtitles, especially Welsh, if the party wins the next election.

Under the plans, films would only be shown if they can easily understood by the majority English speaking community. Foreign films would need to apply for a license; would only be shown in specialist cinemas; and would have new censor rating of 'F'. Reform has also said it plans to bar any British citizens from accessing the subtitled films with a view to phasing out Welsh and other indigenous languages, as early as possible. The party claims their plans would increase Britishness and adherence to British values by over 200%.

Chancellor Rachel Reeves said the suggested measures 'might be a good or a bad idea' and the government were already looking at restricting access for Foreign films, or allowing everyone access to everything.

Image: Myke Simon (@myke_simon) | Unsplash Photo Community

Warning alarm sounds every time Rachel Reeves thinks

The UK tested a new early warning system designed to remind people to sell their shares, the moment the Chancellor has a new idea. All phones will issue a high pitched squeak, like your bum on parquet flooring, as markets crash and pensions evaporate.

Other sounds will be used for the Cabinet; Wes Streeting an ice cream truck, David Lammy a slow trumpet wah wah and Liz Kendall the cackle of the Wicked Witch. Some will be more abstract, as Yvette Cooper opted for the sound migrants drowning.

Any announcement by Keir Starmer will be marked by a long embarrassing silence, followed by one polite cough and the sound of tumble weed. Any policy linked to Gaza will be accompanied by the sound of hands wringing, pearls clutching and fake liberal tears. But with no discernible impact.

mage from pixabay

Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org