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Sport where uniform called 'whites' shocked to discover it has racism problem



English Cricket is stumped by a report highlighting ‘racism, sexism, classism and elitism’. Both teams in a test cricket match are required to wear something literally called ‘whites’ – with the uniformity of the uniforms making an extra silly point.


One cricket aficionado awoke from a nap to say 'I declare it’s nice how the colonies can forget about all the conquering and the massacres of the indigenous population and the pillaging and have a nice civilised game of cricket. Cricket basically ended apartheid, you know. How’s that? Admittedly it took decades and isn’t really true, but you’re welcome!'


'Rain doesn’t stop racism - square legs and round holes and all that. Did that guy just say "googly"? Hilarious.'




Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer



It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.'


They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera.


The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the university for ten years. Since then, he has been striving to represent the full range of brilliant students who have walked the hallowed halls. 'It isn't always easy,' he tells us. 'Most of the people here are white, cis, able-bodied and straight. I usually end up having to photoshop minorities into the background. That's why Sanjay's group were so irresistible. It's the kind of diversity we collage together from stock images and slap on the front page.'


All Oliver wanted was one picture of the gang huddled around a Bunsen-burner or poring over books together in the library, but the colourful clique refused.


'It's tokenism, plain and simple,' Hua said. 'The moment we saw him coming we scattered; Kwame discarded his wheelchair, Amelia started kissing Sanjay and Diego tore off his Yarmulke. We weren't going to let him exploit our differences to make up for the racist flaws in this institution.'


After another belligerent attempt from Brown to photograph them returning from an intersectional feminist book-club, the gang decided to press charges against the shutterbug.


Sanjay shouted 'See you next Tuesday... in court.'


Coastal water skulking by British shoreline trying to point out illegal Nigel Farages



Coastal water won't give it a rest until it has definitely spotted illegal Nigel Farages invading the British shoreline.


'I'm here every day protecting the English Channel and the rest of the world from illegal Nigel Farages,' said the coastal water. 'You saw my poster. There are millions of Nigel Farages who will swarm into Turkey, Romania and Bulgaria if something isn't done about them.


'Look. Look! There's one now! Quick! Get 'im! Before he makes a break for it... oh no, that's just a lifeguard. They're OK. Well, most of 'em.


'I was just up the Kent coast last week, and I saw one of those illegal Suella Bravermans. They can be even worse, you know. They've all got this dream, see, that one day the Telegraph will print a front page of them illegally trafficking people on a flight to Rwanda.


'And once, right, my mates spotted an illegal Priti Patel. But they pushed her back onto the shoreline and beached her.'


H/T: apepper



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