1922 Committee issues form letter for defecting Tory MPs

Dear Honourable Sir Kier, great lord and master,

We the undersigned, who've been sitting on the other side of the House for the past 14 years wearing red trousers and sneering at you, admit that regrettably, at a few points in the past, we may have called you a vile quasi-communist cockroach for serving on the Labour front bench under the leadership of Jeremy Corbyn.

We may also have called you Britain's Little Hitler in chief for advocating lockdowns during the pandemic.

It may also conceivably be possible that we repeatedly yelled across the chamber during PM Questions that you were an unutterably boring piece of dried-up kelp and a great steaming human bollard.

We may also have called your lovable deputy a sullen, sour-faced minx and told Rachel Reeves that she couldn't think her way out of a wet Co-op paper bag.

Since learning the results of the local elections, we have suddenly realised that these statements were entirely misguided and untrue, and that all this time we had been yearning to advance the causes of social democracy and trade unionism.

Therefore, we would like very much to defect to your side of the House, really sharpish, so that we can stand for our seats as Labour candidates in the upcoming general election - thus avoiding becoming political roadkill in a Tory meltdown which we now realise is totally on the cards.

This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that no one, absolutely no one, has responded to our bleating pleas on Linkedin for post-election directorships and such like. People must think we are unemployable, for some reason.

If you let us join you, we promise to think up some really spiteful and vitriolic put-downs to yell at the senior Tories we used to grovel to - Sunak, for instance, or whatever hapless sod succeeds him as leader.

Shameless and rat-like, that's what we are. You could use people like us.

Signed,

150 desperate Tory MPs.

Rat denies controlling George Galloway from under his hat

The British Rodent Society has angrily denied claims that one of their members is controlling George Galloway’s speech from under his hat, like that rat in Ratatouille.

A spokesrat told us ‘Our members are furious about this. So he wears a hat and spouts pish and everybody assumes it’s because a rat is somehow working his vocal chords? Get real, bud’.

If Galloway’s hat doesn’t conceal a rodent then its function remains unclear. Perhaps it’s a theatrical prop like Churchill’s cigar or Che Guevera’s beret, although those two props had the good fortune to be attached to humans who commanded some respect. If hats could talk maybe we’d hear it squeaking out an SOS, begging to be relocated to a better person, but of course hats are mute. Unlike rats. And, sadly, very unlike George Galloway.

image from pixabay

'I’m not lazy, I’m just re-wilding my garden'

Colin Stain is re-wilding his garden. That's what he told the council inspectors who came round to enforce the rules about looking after the house and not annoying the neighbours.

Colin says that he is very eco-conscious these days. He embraced no-mow May with enthusiasm and has since decided to make it a no-mow 2023. He is considering making nettle beer later in the year if he has a good harvest. Instead of taking his old mattress to the tip, he has decided to compost it at home. He says that the results so far are promising and he is pleased to have created a new habitat for the local wildlife.

The neighbours are less thrilled. Jez DeWitt lives next door and says that the Colin's wildlife is mostly just rats and the smell from Colin's newly created pond is a combination of manure and diesel, with a hint of old fish. He says, 'I'd like these Countryfile nerks to come round and find out what re-wilding actually smells like. That'd make 'em have second thoughts. It’s not a pond, it’s blocked drains.'

Colin also says he is re-wilding aluminium. He has three old supermarket trolleys and an impressive, if wobbly, pyramid of beer cans and meat pie trays. Colin is expecting to cash in, as 1000Kg of aluminium for re-wilding should be worth at least a bullseye and possibly a ton, apparently. He’s upped his intake of pies and beer to help him reach his target.

The council staff accepted Colin was making a genuine attempt at re-wilding. The 'wildflower meadow' was deemed acceptable and no worse than the roadside verges which the council don't bother to cut either these days. Composting the mattress was considered 'creative' although there will be an issue down the line with the metal springs. The inspectors took away a number of pungent smelling wild flowers for "further analysis and testing". The pong from the pond, however, was considered a nuisance and Colin has been given six months to sort it out.

The inspectors fined Jez £100 for putting glass recycling in the wrong bin and a further £100 for incorrectly sorting food waste and thereby encouraging rats and another £100 for parking on the pavement. Nobody likes a grass.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/21967857-21967857/

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