Rees-Mogg accused of being double agent for Protestants

Animatronic wankstain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused of bringing Catholicism into disrepute by the Association of Nonce Priests.

Father Dominic is a Catholic priest. Well he would be, with a name like that. ‘We’ve suspected Rees-Mogg of being an undercover Protestant for some time’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘The man is obviously trying to discredit Catholicism. I mean, some of us are kiddie-fiddlers and even we think he steps over the line, that’s how bad it is.

‘This week he told viewers on his TV programme to say the rosary in Latin if they want rewards in this life and the next. That’s the kind of mumbo-jumbo horseshit you’d expect from a Hollywood screenwriter who’s never seen a Catholic. He’ll be walking round with a sharpened wooden stake and some garlic next’.

NewsBiscuit asked Mr Rees-Mogg for a comment but he just gave us a patronising smile and made the Sign of the Cross before vanishing in a puff of sulphurous smoke. So, mixed messages really.

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Wave of fury as country will miss Jeremy Hunt losing his seat

"I'd been looking forward to watching Hunt getting his comeuppance for months", said a disconsolate Ivy Jenkins from Clacton, "Up until June, I'd been picturing Boris Johnson's baffled face as he gets booted out, now he's resigned and Hunt's on his way out I'm reduced to looking forward to watching Rees-Mogg's Nanny drying his eyes."

Tory MP who plans to stand at next election asked "What are you thinking?"

Lee Anderson has astonished colleagues by announcing that he is planning to stand at the next general election.

"What the hell is he thinking?", said an amazed Sir Graham Brady, "I've already cleared my desk and started looking through the job ads; the electorate in my constituency have ordered a vat of tar and a sack full of feathers, I'm going to be as far from the election as legally possible."

Of the 354 Tory MPs, 353 have already said they plan to leave parliament at the next election.

"Sir" Jacob Rees-Mogg has been looking at new positions. "One has been sounding out various opportunities; I've approached a bell foundry after being advised that I might have an aptitude in that area; I've noticed several colleagues in the house mouthing the phrase "bell-end" when I give a speech."

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