top of page
Search

Tory MP who plans to stand at next election asked "What are you thinking?"



Lee Anderson has astonished colleagues by announcing that he is planning to stand at the next general election.


"What the hell is he thinking?", said an amazed Sir Graham Brady, "I've already cleared my desk and started looking through the job ads; the electorate in my constituency have ordered a vat of tar and a sack full of feathers, I'm going to be as far from the election as legally possible."


Of the 354 Tory MPs, 353 have already said they plan to leave parliament at the next election.


"Sir" Jacob Rees-Mogg has been looking at new positions. "One has been sounding out various opportunities; I've approached a bell foundry after being advised that I might have an aptitude in that area; I've noticed several colleagues in the house mouthing the phrase "bell-end" when I give a speech."


image from pixabay



Rees-Mogg breaks into oligarch mansion to fit prepayment meter



The Conservative party has suspended the use of court warrants to force entry into yachts and mansions to fit prepayment meters. An undercover investigation by the Times appears to show a group of senior Tory MPs banging on the door of a Mayfair building before a team of locksmiths and accountants force their way inside.


Vladimir Lobamolotov, a single parent oil trader with close ties to the Kremlin, was too frightened to open his door. Once entry had been gained, the accountants connected his bank account to a direct payment meter.


‘I was terrified,’ said Mr Lobamolotov. ‘I said I was having difficulty keeping up my payments to the party, but they had no sympathy. They said if I didn’t pay, I would have no power.’


The Conservative party treasurer said he had absolutely no idea his MPs were breaking into the homes of vulnerable billionaires and has suspended the practice, focusing instead on helping them consolidate their bungs into a more manageable tariff.



image from pixabay

GB News given official 'sanctuary' status by RSPB



The UK television channel GB News has been recognised by the RSPB for its socially aware and progressive programming policies. Indeed, it is now recognised as a major wildlife sanctuary, providing a refuge for severely damaged and potentially dangerous creatures.


"Most of the species we have welcomed and cared for have only got one wing. Their right, of course. But we are able to keep them confined and secure and give them a place where they feel at home. Listen to them chatter away! They're as happy as can be in here!"


An observer commented, "I think this is a wonderful facility. All these Swivel-Eyed Twites, Madus hatteris, captive in the one place. The m. hatteris Faragina, m. hatteris Cleesiensis and the m. hatteris Portillo. I'm especially keen to see the latest m. hatteris Reesmoggerus once it has settled in and found its perch."


Another bystander added an alternative benefit, "This is magnificent and I can't thank GB News enough. By attracting and containing all these Swivel-Eyed Twites I now know that there is only one channel I need to avoid instead of having them popping up all over the networks. That, in itself, makes it worth having this refuge for them."



bottom of page