Mancunius Burnum, one of the most popular members of the Roman senate, has denied that he is anything but 100% supportive of “that useless twat” Julius Starmer.
“Believe me, I have no ambitions to be leader myself,” he told reporters from the Daily Praetorian, while sharpening his knife. “And everyone on my leadership campaign team will tell you the same.”
He then proceeded up the Palatine Hill to the Forum, where he stabbed Starmer in the back, though he insisted he was merely trying to be supportive.
“I thought he was about to fall - he’s been declining for some time - so I put my hand out to help. Totally forgot I was holding the knife! How stupid do I feel?”
However, some commentators worry Starmer’s death may benefit the populist Faragus Octavian more than Burnum, as his anti-immigrant message resonates with many among the plebeian classes.
“They try to paint me as a racist just because I have reasonable concerns about the number of Vandals, Huns and Visigoths you see in Rome these days,” Faragus told his supporters at a tavern near the Circus Maximus. “But we all know who’s doing the sacking and pillaging, don’t we? I remember when you could leave your villa without locking your front door… bring back the Roman Empire, that’s what I say.”
Image: barskefranck - Pixabay
