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Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple



Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.


'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.


Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.


'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.


Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.



First published 29 Nov 2022



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Sudan braces itself for a wave of refugees from the USA in a few months' time



As USA prepares for its forthcoming presidential election, many of its citizens are making plans to flee the country if the Second American Civil War breaks out, in the event that Trump fails to get elected, claims that the presidency has been stolen from him yet again and demands that his followers rise up in revolt and overthrow the corrupt regime which seeks to continue to block him from power.


Europe is unlikely to be swamped with American refugees, following the clamp-down on immigration in Britain and now also in Germany and soon almost certainly to be followed by most other European countries.  So Sudan is likely to be an alternative destination, with plenty of abandoned dwellings (albeit many in need of reconstruction) and borders lightly-guarded by the authorities who are currently somewhat distracted by a certain degree of constitutional, political and military disruption.



"Stop the boats" policy expanded to include flag ship policies

The Prime-minister has announced the expansion of his hugely successful stop the boats policy. 


"You can see the success for yourself; the number of refugees arriving by plane has shot up while the number of boats has gone down - that would only be the case if travelling a freezing cold stormy sea in a small, leaky boats was in, some way, unattractive.


"So the time is right to extend the success; I can pledge today that all the flag ship ideas will be stopped."


image from pixabay

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