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SledgehammersЯus announce largest ever government order


A Polish company that specialises in making sledgehammers has been awarded the largest contract ever for the manufacture of a sledgehammer from the British government.


The proposed sledgehammer is said to be three times the height of the Empire State Building and will be used to stop migrant boats, however a Newsbiscuit reporter has learned from a post-coital conversation with a worker from SledgehammersЯus that in order to meet Tory cost-cutting targets, the sledgehammer specification requires it to be made from polystyrene foam, rather than cast iron and carry safety warnings to reduce the risk of anyone being harmed by it.


Popeye Marine Ltd, a UK company that had been hoping to win the contract to operate the sledgehammer, say they lost out to German company ßlüto whose worst brat threw in a free ticket to a volksmusik polka concert with a fag and pint photo opportunity with Nigel Farrage to clinch the deal.


French markets are said to be doing a roaring trade in sexy nut outfits that migrants will be wearing for the crossings.




Child traffickers welcome MP's support



This much maligned industry, had struggled with supply lines during Covid but said that the Government had now guaranteed a constant flow of vulnerable teenagers. Remarked one smuggler: 'If it wasn't for Parliament and the friends of Prince Andrew, we'd struggle to find a market for all these hapless teenagers. Leaving them unguarded in hotels was definitely helpful, but the big bonus was when MPs agreed to unlock the doors at night.


One MP, Jonathan Gullis - the answer to whatever happened to the 1980's white dog turd - confirmed the fault lay with the victims for being refugees. Gullis is seen as a keen advocate of kidnapping children to teach them a valuable life lesson - however short that life now is.


A minister confirmed: '4,600 unaccompanied child asylum seekers arrive every year and its our job to find them a safe place to live - if by 'safe' you mean a sweatshop or brothel.'

Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple



Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.


'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.


Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.


'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.


Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.




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